So, little one, will you give me the last few days to relax and appreciate the last kicks and the rolls? Or are you going to rush out right after the move, ready to attack life in the new home? I would love to have a little time where I can prepare your area, ready for you, quietly fold clothes again, laughing at how tiny they are and how there is no way that a baby can be so tiny... Knowing full well that you will be, just like your sisters who have grown so fast into beautiful, healthy wonderful girls. Those last little baby clothes, all stripes because we love stripes, and little rompers, and baby hats you will never wear because you will be born with a head of thick hair like your siblings...
I know it may sound strange, but I am one of those people who loves being pregnant. I don't even mind the all-day nausea of the first trimester so much when I know that it will bring the second and third trimesters, with growing belly and sharp little kicks and punches. I also know that our planet is severely overpopulated and that by adding another child to the mix we are just contributing to this overpopulation, but I can't help it. For some reason Cesar and I seem to have babies without really trying. But this little nugget will be our last and I will have to come to terms with that myself. My heart will never be too full, but our hands are now full, and this chapter of pregnancies is coming to a close. And in the meantime we will live as green as we can, until we can afford to build our own little sustainable home off the coast of Mexico, where many of my decades old dreams of living by the sea will come true.
Today we move to our apartment in the middle of downtown Sacramento, after living in the suburbs for just over a year. I've packed up all of our belongings and am ready for this new era, where city life belongs to us again, where Cesar can work, and where I can wander around the Capitol rose garden whenever I want to, watching the children learn about colours and smells and nature. It's important for me to learn to love this city somehow and I think that will be easier when we are in a place that allows us to do that in a way that we are used to. I cannot keep pining for NYC and the memories of years and years walking those same sidewalks. I must embrace this city for as long as we are here and show my children how to appreciate even the smallest of things around us. Sacramento may never feel like home, but it is home for now, and I'm excited to see where this new page will bring us. New child, new home, and new outlook. Even the disgusting person who calls himself president cannot ruin that for us.
So I hope tiny little baby, that you will give me a few days to really remember the last days of my last pregnancy, after all of this rushing around trying to find a place to live and packing and working and running after two toddlers who also feel my stress. This summer will be full of us taking life as it comes, adapting again and making plans for the future. Being a parent is one of the hardest and sometimes most heartbreaking roles I have ever had to embrace but it is also the best, most honest and most beautiful part of my life, and I'm so happy to be able to share it.
Tonight I will slowly unpack boxes and find new places for old, loved belongings, creating and recreating a dream I have had in my head for a long time now. Cesar will hang pictures and set up the DVD player and stereo (as I forgot to order internet service until the last minute), and we will look at each other and laugh at the chaos surrounding us.
So, tiny little baby, this wonderful chaos will be your world soon, and we can't wait for you to join us in it, completing our gorgeous little family. There is no need to rush, take your time, and we will be here waiting when you are ready.