So much ANGER

I’m just SO ANGRY at the moment. Small things that usually wouldn’t really bother me are throwing me into fits of intense irritation, things that would normally piss me off are making me scream with rage, and I don’t even want to think about what will happen if something or someone really tries to annoy me.

That person tapping their foot constantly in the seat behind me? I want to smash my fist into his/her face. The person sitting next to me in this coffee shop who keeps looking at my screen? I want to pour hot coffee over her head. The cab driver who tried to run me over last night? I wanted to chase after him with a baseball bat and smash all the windows in his cab. That obnoxious car alarm that keeps going off under my apartment window? I want to open my window and scream obscenities until it stops. I stomp down the streets hoping that some kind of physical activity will help release some steam, but it doesn’t. I try to put my usual happiness-inducing playlists on my iPod and think of better places, but that doesn’t help either. I try to leave the house and write somewhere else, hoping that I will be more inspired elsewhere than what I normally consider to be the place where I feel the most comfortable. Same problem. Angsty and highly irritable seems to be the top feelings of the month, one that turns me into a raging angry person, something that I am finding really hard to contain. I’m usually such a balanced person; I get angry like anyone else, but it’s usually easy to contain and to get rid of. At the moment I feel like I am on the edge of some kind of imminent explosion. It’s so ridiculous that even spell check telling me that my fragmented phrases are grammatical errors makes me want to throw my laptop against the wall. “That’s the way I write you fucking piece of crap software who is telling me I am wrong!!”.

Relax.

Like it’s THAT easy.

So why am I so angry? I mean there must be some reason for this? I list up all the reasons that could explain the hows and whys. I’m angry that I spent Christmas away from my family. I’m angry that I couldn’t afford to pay for a flight ticket back home to be with my family, especially seeing as my brother just lost his father and could have done with his (angry) big sister around. I’m angry because I am constantly broke and it’s always a struggle to pay the rent and the bills and my credit is in such a bad state right now that I would rather not even think about it. I’m angry because I wake up feeling depressed every day and I know that I don’t feel strong enough to fight it this time. I’m angry because I am not pushing myself hard enough to finish my novel. I’m angry because I miss my family, and England and France, and my friends abroad. I’m angry because all the men I meet either treat me like shit, disappear or just aren’t the right person for me. I’m angry because I’m not 25 anymore, and I’m angry because I’ve not traveled in years and miss it terribly. I’m angry because this world continues to fall apart around us and all we do is watch it happen. I’m angry because there is so much sadness around us and I can’t change it. But most of all I am angry because I can’t be superwoman all the time, and I wish I could.

Maybe I SHOULD just go and punch someone. Maybe it will help.

Idiot Neighbours From Hell - RANT

Read on for another rant about my lovely neighbours. Have fun...

Usually you have one neighbour who ruins it for the rest of the building. One neighbour who is too loud and has people over consatntly. Or one neighbour who complains about everything, and calls the cops at any given moment. or one neighbour who never takes the trash out, and leaves it in the hallway to stink the building up (until one of the other tenants gives up and dumps it in the garbage).
But what if you have half a building full of this one neighbour? What if half the building is inhabited by obnoxious neighbours and the other half just shuts up and sucks it up until their lease is up so that they can move somewhere else?

Welcome to my life.

I am seriously far from being a goody-two-shoes, as anyone who has spent any time with me knows. I was pretty well-known for my raucous partying habits back in the day; and I still indulge in a good old party nowadays (although without the copious amounts of alcohol). I like to play my music loud. I like to stay awake half of the night writing and talking to my friends. I like having random dance parties at any given time and singing at the top of my voice. And I hate my neighbours.

I actually don't really know what any of them really look like, all of their faces blend together into one type of look: young, wealthy-but-pretending-to-be-poor, rebellious, late teen early 20's, first time living away from home. In other words, annoying poser gits.

(As a side-note, annoying poser gits severely irritate me, just because actually being poor REALLY sucks, and pretending to be poor is disrespectful to those who really are).

Beth and I were the first people to ever move into this building, and are now in our fourth year. The only neighbour I recognise is the lady right next door who must be on her third lease now. Other than that it's one continuous flow of different people, month in month out.

The first floor is comprised of two duplex apartments. I suppose they should normally house around three people comfortably. But for some reason the management company keeps renting them out to students who act like the whole building is a giant dorm, running up and down the stairs to the roof, slamming doors and constantly yelling at the tops of their voices. Hosting band practice during the day (there's loads of rehearsal space to rent in Bushwick, douchebags), inviting groups of hardcore gangster-style drug dealers to their rooftop parties (you gotta know one to recognise one right?), and, get this, the last straw this past weekend, throwing glass bottles off the rooftop into the courtyard. Because that's super smart right?!

But I think what irritates me the most is... I can't STAND the music they listen to!! If it were some real rebellious teen black/death metal/goth/punk/riot grrrl/fuck the world I hate you music I would at least be able to respect them. But yelling along to Katy Perry or some other replaceable girl singer at 2am?? No. No. No. NO.

They all need to leave as soon as possible please. I'll keep the hipsters from the building next door - at least they listen to semi-decent music, grow sunflowers in their yard and have a median age of 25.

Rant over. Until next time...

Some days...

Some days I just want to post pictures. Some days I just want to bring some awareness into the world. Some days I don't want to say anything at all, and some days I just want to go off on a rant and get something off my mind. Today is one of the latter.

I needed to get away... Just for a couple of weeks. Forget about all the stress and exhaustion and constant questions and tasks and worries. Just two weeks, give myself the time to relax, and come back quasi-normal again. I should have gone away to a different country, where I couldn't be contacted - it would have forced people to actually have to figure things out themselves instead of relying on me to tell them what to do. I never asked to be indispensable, and in reality, I am not. In all honesty, it's time for a major change - either I lose my mind completely or I put an abrupt stop to this madness. This is not how I wanted to live my life, numb, bored, stressed and incapable of actually doing anything about it.

Strength is just a word until you use it.

Netherlands calls for arrest of Nazi war criminal Faber

Netherlands calls for arrest of Nazi war criminal Faber

I can't believe this... The guy escaped prison for war crimes, ran off to Germany and has been PROTECTED there since 1952?! First of all, why has it taken all these decades to call for extradition? Second of all, why was he ever given German citizenship? Some things will just never, ever make sense to me.

Incredible.

Thought of the week

Finally come to the conclusion that if someone is not going to listen to you there is no point wasting your energy on talking. People will do what they want to do, no matter how stupid, hurtful and dangerous it is.

*Edited*.

Skunk Anansie and my youth

April is always a very difficult month for me, and I tend to get very nostalgic and emotional (as you can probably tell from the last few posts). Seeing as music and words are my life, every song I listen to brings back some type of memory, and I feel myself falling back into a different time of my life.

While I was lying in bed yesterday morning I realised that I hadn't listened to Skunk Anansie in years. So I dug the CDs out of my boxes and put them on my ipod. Wow. I was SO angry when I was a teenager. As soon as I put Stoosh on I realised how much I kept everything inside, and just how I wanted to stomp on everything around me, myself included. At least I was able to pour it all out in words...

In any case - all the words still work for me today. I can apply Weak, Secretly, Brazen, Hedonism, All I Want, Infidelity to past, present and future.

"Stronger feelings than you've ever had to face".

I just had this image of me standing on the table in the common area in Kibbutz Evron, literally shouting along to Weak with Isabel. I guess that was one of those moments when F. decided to be an asshole again. Too many of those to remember (not that I really want to anyway).

The little angry teen that never really went away is coming out again. I don't fear her, I'll just let her kick and stomp it out of herself for a while.

"TO THE EEEEEEEEND!!"