Anything I write today will just be too sad or too angry or too thankful. This week has been an emotional roller coaster and I am not prepared to write about it in public just yet and I just really can't get the words out properly anyway. I am thankful for the friends who gave me hugs and listened to me, and to those who were just there. I want to kick those who "zoned out" when I needed them the most, you know who you are, and also who you aren't to me anymore.
I listen to this song every day. It never fails me with it's beauty.
I'm going to preface this by saying the following: I am NOT saying that Hurricane Irene was a non-event, or not assuming that a lot of damage occurred and people were hurt. Nobody wants to wish any type of devastation on anyone.
However, Irene was a little bit of a disappointment to a lot of New Yorkers. There we were bracing for a hurricane to hit is full blast, and it didn't really happen. A lot of heavy rain and wind, but that was it really. Maybe the media blew it up, or maybe Mother Nature decided to spare us this time... We will never know, but I do know now, that if we ever have a situation like this again, the city is more than prepared to handle it.
We were all stocked up with food, batteries, candles, water and books, but in the end we didn't really need it. I now have enough ziplock bags with ice cubes to last me a long time!
I have a strange attraction to violent weather, and I know I am not alone in feeling this way. Strong winds resemble what I feel freedom should really feel like... If you get my drift.
And referring to freedom, well, I have done something that I have been threatening to do for years. For the past six years my entire life has revolved around one main centre, and I am leaving this centre, for the unknown. I am doing it in a very abrupt, and maybe not very professional fashion, but after a lot of very long thinking sessions, including conversations with those closest to me, it's the only way. It would be too hard for me to say "NO" if I am confronted with a question about my decision, so I chose the silent way out. All I have to say is that I hope that whoever is left with finishing off anything I started doesn't hate me too much, or at least understand why.
I don't think I need explain my actions any further - but I think that this is the only way I can feel free again - and there is only one reason why I was feeling trapped here. It's a huge change and this is going to make a lot of things different moving forward.
I'm excited and completely terrified.
This song used to describe the way I felt every day - now I am making the change:
I used to listen to Joy Division. I sometimes listen to Joy Division now. I usually find it hard to get through one song before I have to switch to something else. I love Joy Division, they will always be up there in my top 10 bands. Always.
Reverse back a few years, I wasn't in a very good place and would listen to Warsaw and Unknown Pleasures over and over again. I would dance drunk to "She's Lost Control" thinking how perfect the song was for me, that it was probably written for me and people like me. Just read the lyrics, you will understand.
Reverse back a lot longer, Ian Curtis killed himself. He was depressed, he couldn't deal with life, fine - terribly sad, but I was too young to actually have any real feelings about this. But Joy Division was one of my father's favourite bands, he adored them. I suppose they were perfect for him as they were for him, based on whatever he was going through at the time, just in the same way that I adored them a few years ago.
Move forward a few years to another death, mimicking Ian Curtis'. Someone who had adored him. And this wasn't just terribly sad, it was devastating, and it's only now, 23 years later, that I actually feel I can accept it, and maybe move past it.
That's why I choke up when I watch Joy Division footage, why I have trouble listening to them sober (and as I don't drink anymore that means at any given time), and that's why I can't revere Ian Curtis like so many people do. He was so talented, but in such a dark spot. In a way it just makes me feel so proud that I got away from that same dark place. I just wish that the other person had too.
I watched Control once and left the screening a wreck. I will never be able to watch it again. It's amazing how one band can be so devastatingly good, but leave such a trail of devastation in their wake.