Ramblings: random self-centered BS

Ever since I woke up I have been trying to think about how I will start writing a review of the Spiritualized show for my blog. I will write one at some point over the next few days, whether or not I will actually post it will be another story, but right now I just can’t. I need to keep it all to myself for a few days. I know that may sound weird, but every time I see them I have such a fantastic personal connection to the music that it takes me a while to process it all. And I actually don’t really want to share it with anyone.

Someone who I consider a close friend hurt my feelings on Monday evening (just before the show), and I’m terrible at just saying out loud “that was really unkind of you and my feelings are hurt”. Instead, while I was watching the show I found I really wanted to drink. Specifically, I wanted to drink a Stoli on the rocks, my old favourite and a drink I haven’t touched in well over 3 years. I wanted to down one and then another. I could literally even taste it… That is, until I said it out loud, that I wanted a drink, and because I have the best friends in the world I just got a “No” in reply. Then that feeling was gone, and I went back to total music immersion, and forgot about it. It wasn’t until later that I realized that the only reason I actually really wanted to get drunk was because I wanted to piss off the person who had hurts my feelings earlier. Um… Trying to get back at someone by ultimately hurting oneself? Very mature approach to life! So stupid. I really think I need a holiday from everything right now. I’ve been dreaming of a week on a remote island where all I have is a notebook to write in, my iPod so I can listen to music and lots of sand, waves and sunshine. All of this with no people around me. Just a week away.

One of my pet peeves is someone telling me I’m doing something wrong (when I am actually not), in front of other people, with the ultimate aim to make me look like an idiot. It makes me feel like a child, and then I end up actually wanting to act like a child, you know, kick a few things over and scream, maybe punch someone. Thinking about it, I don’t think I ever acted like that when I was a child, so I guess I missed out on the tantrum phase and feel the need to have them at the age of 34. That said, I don’t actually do anything, just grit my death and mutter insults under my breath while carrying on with what I am doing. This happened last night and seeing as I am still annoyed (and embarrassed) by it I’m writing about it so I can forget about it (I think that may only make sense to me).

You know what else would be a really cool getaway? A road trip across the US. Chuck a few things in the back of the car and take off and see all these different places I have never been to before. I would love to go through Mississippi and Tennessee, all through the South, go to the Grand Canyon, drive through the desert… Pity I can’t actually drive. Maybe one day I will actually learn, or they will invent a car that you can just drive with your eyes or voice. The latter would probably be the best option. Learn how to drive so you can an escape holiday across unknown to you countryside. I was actually walking to dog this morning and realised that I really wish I could take him to Rutland so he could run around in the fields and go on a long walk through the country paths. It gets quite boring just walking along the streets of Bushwick sometimes.

Have to go to work again… I have a load of stories I have to write this weekend, all based on things I have seen over the past few weeks. I think the funniest one is going to be based on a bar we walked into before the show on Monday. I felt like we had walked into a different dimension. I need more time to write, I don’t want to lose all these ideas!

One year anniversary of being cigaretteless!

I can't believe it's been a year already! On September 1st 2010 I smoked my last cigarette, and never looked back!

I had nicotine withdrawal symptoms for a few days, wanted to kill a few people, then I just missed the gesture, the stress relief, leaving the office for breaks... And then after a few months I stopped counting the days. I actually didn't even remember it was a year until my lovely roommate and friend Beth told me this morning (she stopped on the same day).

Now I kind of dislike the smell, and I love to run. Who would have thought??

And here's a little memory of back in the day... Stoli on the rocks in one hand, Marlboro Lights in the other. 2006, West Village, random Saturday night on my way to MisShapes. HA!

When the lights go out my brain turns on

My emotions are way out of tune at the moment. I know there's something wrong but I cannot bring myself to get what I need for them. I've done so well without pills, and they make me feel so out of it and and zombie-esque that I don't want to. I'm afraid to lose all feeling. BFF amle L the L took me out for dinner last night and told me that I was either super sad or super happy at the moment. And he's right - there is no middle ground - either I'm dancing around a pole at Darkroom or literally dragging myself out of bed in the morning after 12 hours sleep not knowing how the hell I am going to make it to work without throwing myself under the subway.

So how do we make Happiness Paradox come back? Because even the Stoli-induced Happiness is not working so well anymore. It now just makes me fall off barstools or dance around poles while blacked out. And that really isn't sexy. It's just hilarious. (Lets not talk about how sad that is - at least I hang out in a neighbourhood where this happens to everyone else on a weekly basis too.)
I came to the conlusion that I needed to change my job a while ago. I'm very happy with everything in my life except for my job. Which I now hate. I can't even pretend that it will get better anymore. And my bosses can tell me over and over again that I'm a natural at what I do and excellent at my job - it doesn't change anything. I'm just not passionate about this industry. I love writing and I love music. I don't love localization. It's a job. It got me a visa to live and work in New York. But afeter 2.5 years it's driving me insane. I haven't written an interesting word for a year because I have absolutely no inspiration. And I HATE that.

I have an idea for a new novel forming in my brain. I now need to sit down and get it out. I will use my red eye flight back from LA on Thursday night to start putting ideas down. Baby steps. LA is going to be a blast (not): I fly in tomorrow night at 10:30pm, have a meeting from 9-11am and then I get the red-eye back in the evening. I haven't even prepared anything yet. It just doesn't interest me anymore...

I also need to write my experiences from last week down. Control and BRMC. And all of the rest. Stomping up and down Ludlow. I miss doing that with Paradox Twin. Especially because I've decided to finally walk my new boots in (the others are going to lose their sole soon. I cannot get rid of them yet though - I love them too much).

Why do I feel so tired? And why do I feel so sad all of the time. I need a Stoli on the rocks. I wish I could say no but it's the only thing that perks me up right now. Well there is another thing, but it makes me too sad to talk about it at this moment in time. Maybe later this week. Maybe never. Those who know know anyway.

I just can't stay here every yesterday

I'm exhausted but bored. I have just been thinking of how many Stolis on the rocks I can drink before blacking out and counting the number of bruises (12) on my legs. BORing. I am running out of cigarettes and quarters to buy cigarettes with. And if I leave my apartment my legs may automatically carry me to the DR to drink myself stupid while MH plays music. Yeah I'm only barred from there when the person I used to consider my brother (otherwise known as the psycho) is away. Funny thing is I don't even care anymore.
Die fucker die.
It's fine - cos L the L replaced him and is a much better AND real friend to me than the psycho ever was. Who calls me immediately on receipt of a text that says "I feel so sad today".

It's been over three weeks and I am still completely obsessed (maybe more and more every day) with the new Interpol album. However, I've been listening to Letter to Elise on a loop for the past few days because it makes me cry and because I feel sad, bad nostalgic, doomed and depressed. Blah. If I got more than an average of 3 hours sleep a night/day do you think the mood would lift? Ellipsis.

Oooh Paradox Twin (not from birth) and me have taken to having sober evenings where we go out for dinner and talk. They are so much fun.

Anyone who deciphers the acronym "MH" gets a kiss.