There were no super powers involved

I thought I was superwoman. And everyone helped perpetuate the myth too. "How do you do it?!" "You are amazing! You can go out all night AND always make it to work the next day!" I can honestly tell you that there are no super powers involved, just plain old will power. And two years ago today I used that same will power in a more productive way - I cut alcohol out of my life completely. Yes, that means I haven't had a drop of alcohol in exactly two years. If you are extremely bored you can read this entire blog, go back to where I started it in 2007, and you can see the spiral down, and then the long road back up again. Spiraling was easy with hindsight, and a lot of fun at times, climbing out of there was a lot harder, and ultimately a strain on a lot of things (my mental health, friendships, my inspiration).

NYE 2008 was a lot of fun. I still remember every bit of it, maybe because for the first night in a while I didn't black out, didn't cry, didn't feel like I wanted to jump off a bridge. The next night was the complete opposite, I still only remember blurry moments. Crying in Motorcity bathroom, yelling at Eric about something or other he had done to upset me, wanting to jump out of the window at Michelle's house. Waking up in the morning on my couch, asking Meg where my phone was (hidden in the cutlery drawer so that I wouldn't break it).

That wasn't me anymore.

There is nothing wrong with going out and having fun. There is nothing wrong with getting drunk, with dancing on a barstool, with having a slight hangover the next day. There is something wrong when you drink glass after glass of straight Stoli, just hoping that the next one will bring some kind of oblivion until the next day. It stopped being fun the night I decided that I needed 15 Tylenol PM to knock me out. I should have known at that moment, but I guess I decided to drag it out a bit longer. But as someone who had known me very well at that time said a few months ago "You knew what you were doing. You were just pushing yourself to the bottom to see how far you could go, knowing full well you would make it back up to the top again". I think he's right - I just wish I had been able to restrain myself from such an unnecessary experience.

Over the past few years I have learnt to love myself again, to handle the mental ups and downs while remaining sober, to believe in myself a lot more, and to be more confident.

I don't judge - my decision to stop drinking was a decision for myself. Alcohol is no longer a big deal in my life, but I still see some of my friends ruin themselves with it. The below is the only thing I am going to say right now, and then I will keep my mouth closed again. I am not superior to anyone, sober or not sober, I just decided to face my issues instead of hiding behind them.

If you need a drink to feel normal then that's a problem.
If you need a drink to be able to hold a conversation with someone then that's a problem.
If you can't go out without having a drink, then that's a problem.
And if you drink and drive then that's a problem.

I wouldn't have been able to get through this all without my Mum, sister, brother and closest friends. I love you <3

Cabdrivers can be evil

When I first moved here four years ago cab drivers used to be extremely reluctant to go anywhere in Brooklyn. Luckily for me, I never needed to go to Brooklyn. When I moved to Bushwick last year things had changed alot, and I probably came across two or three cab drivers who complained about having to cross the bridge. Until last night.
I had a great time at the Cruel Black Dove and Blacklist shows (see other blog for a write up in the next few days), followed by a more irritating few hours, ending with food at Remedy. Larry put me in a cab just before 3am, I closed the car door, and had the following intensely annoying conversation:

Me: "Bushwick please - take the Williamsburg Bridge and then follow Broadway to Myrtle"
Cabdriver: "Oh well that guy over there was in front of you so you need to give him the cab"
Me: "Um no, I don't think so."
Cabdriver: "Well yes you do because I don't want him to complain"
Me: "He just got another cab, so there isn't an issue. Unless of course you don't want to go to Brooklyn, and you don't have a choice now that I am in the cab."
Cabdriver: "You didn't notice the 'off duty' light was on. You have to get out Ma'am"
Me: "I will be the one complaining you shiteous human being"

[followed by me slamming the cab door and cab driver - minus off duty light on - screeching away down Ave A].

Maybe I should either:
1). Never go out again
2). Get the J train during the night and brave the crackheads/murderers/scary people
3). Stay out til after 4am as I never had a problem when I used to drink
4). Try to really remember the cabdivers number and see if complaining really works
5). Chalk it up to yet another charming incident that ruins my mood

Ahhh New York. I love you.

PS - I now wish people would stop telling me they prefer me sober. Yes I prefer myself sober too, but I also prefer you all sober. And it's beginning to sound a little hypocritical. Thanks.

Of sobriety and gingerbread lattes

After an eventful night on Sunday when once again I woke up at home not remembering a thing from the past 6 hours, accumulated with the fact that once again I felt terrible and the fact that Tracy told me that people were beginning to worry about me and that when I blacked out I wasn't Jade anymore I decided to stop drinking for a while.
Nothing. Certainly NO vodka. But also no wine or beer or ANYTHING. Something flipped in the past few months - I have blacked out 4/5 times I have been drinking and I have been LUCKY I have people around me who care about me. I don't really care if I have made a fool of myself, I just care about the fact that I have made people WORRY about me. The way I used to worry about some of my friends. The way I promised myself I would never ever ever get.

So, sobriety. It's not even daunting - actually exciting. There are so many things I have neglected in the last 6 months that I am prepared to get back into again. My writing for one. Reading is another. All those plans I have been thinking about but never acting upon. I don't want to stop going out, but will go out sober. My friends are all with me which is a great feeling. And those of you who prefer blacked-out drunk Jade... Well you didn't really know me at all anyway.

I had a wonderful Christmas at Mum's. I got so spoilt with a ton of things that I can use and that I have wanted/needed for ages. I ate so much and rested and thought about a lot of things. I love my family so much. I just wish Dylan could have been there.

I just had my first gingerbread latte of the year - and probably my last. I can't afford much at the moment!

xxxxx