Happiness is back!

I figured out an agreement with my landlord's attorney. I stayed in one night last week and realised how much I loved my apartment and how much I didn't want to give it up. I've worked soooo fucking hard to give it all up. I really want to kick myself right now for being such an idiot - but as my Mum says, sometimes you really need to hit rock bottom in order to climb back up again. Even work is more manageable and I have so many fun and interesting projects outside of work in the pipeline. Sooo I have an agreement to pay everything off by Jan 31st. I am going to need a second job in order to do this...
I love being busy, I love having multiple things to do. I hate being bored and sitting at home wondering who I should call. I've never been like that and I am not going to start right now. Burning the candle at both ends is my thing - I just need to know when to chill out so that I don't collapse.

Happiness Happiness Happiness!

Can't wait to see Paradox Twin in a bit. It's been too long. And Combat Baby later at the show. No fail evening again I hope! I am so proud of Combat Baby and my mix while DJing at The Skinny last Tuesday - I think it was our best ever. Who's up for a whole night of Motown now??

When the lights go out my brain turns on

My emotions are way out of tune at the moment. I know there's something wrong but I cannot bring myself to get what I need for them. I've done so well without pills, and they make me feel so out of it and and zombie-esque that I don't want to. I'm afraid to lose all feeling. BFF amle L the L took me out for dinner last night and told me that I was either super sad or super happy at the moment. And he's right - there is no middle ground - either I'm dancing around a pole at Darkroom or literally dragging myself out of bed in the morning after 12 hours sleep not knowing how the hell I am going to make it to work without throwing myself under the subway.

So how do we make Happiness Paradox come back? Because even the Stoli-induced Happiness is not working so well anymore. It now just makes me fall off barstools or dance around poles while blacked out. And that really isn't sexy. It's just hilarious. (Lets not talk about how sad that is - at least I hang out in a neighbourhood where this happens to everyone else on a weekly basis too.)
I came to the conlusion that I needed to change my job a while ago. I'm very happy with everything in my life except for my job. Which I now hate. I can't even pretend that it will get better anymore. And my bosses can tell me over and over again that I'm a natural at what I do and excellent at my job - it doesn't change anything. I'm just not passionate about this industry. I love writing and I love music. I don't love localization. It's a job. It got me a visa to live and work in New York. But afeter 2.5 years it's driving me insane. I haven't written an interesting word for a year because I have absolutely no inspiration. And I HATE that.

I have an idea for a new novel forming in my brain. I now need to sit down and get it out. I will use my red eye flight back from LA on Thursday night to start putting ideas down. Baby steps. LA is going to be a blast (not): I fly in tomorrow night at 10:30pm, have a meeting from 9-11am and then I get the red-eye back in the evening. I haven't even prepared anything yet. It just doesn't interest me anymore...

I also need to write my experiences from last week down. Control and BRMC. And all of the rest. Stomping up and down Ludlow. I miss doing that with Paradox Twin. Especially because I've decided to finally walk my new boots in (the others are going to lose their sole soon. I cannot get rid of them yet though - I love them too much).

Why do I feel so tired? And why do I feel so sad all of the time. I need a Stoli on the rocks. I wish I could say no but it's the only thing that perks me up right now. Well there is another thing, but it makes me too sad to talk about it at this moment in time. Maybe later this week. Maybe never. Those who know know anyway.

There is no way to go

Calla tomorrow. What more can I say?

I shall miss Paradox Twin. This time there will be no pictures taken in the Annex bathrooms and sent to MH with the text "Your presence is requested at The Annex". I don't think we ever laughed as much as we did the next day when we recalled our antics. RPBitch has nothing on us.

Wednesday night DJing at The Skinny was awesome. I've learnt that even after an hour of sleep I can still stay up all night and have fun. And play goooood music. Can't wait to do it again.

Nobody told you, that I could just waltz through and shake up your style

I kind of outdid myself this week. 3 hours of sleep between Sunday night and Monday night, about 8 hours on Tuesday night, no sleep on Wednesday night and then passed out at 9pm last night. I feel rested today hahaha! So what's going on tonight? ParadoxSister is in town for the weekend so I am assuming a night of barhopping and drinking and dancing. Maybe it's time to do something different? HA!

(Picture Paradox rolling around in hysterics at the idea of not going out drinking, dancing and hanging out with friends)

June's boy is also celebrating his birthday tonight so hopefully we shall be able to help him get immensely trashed so he forgets he's now 30. As long as we all continue to look less than 26 then we're all fine anyway ;)

Wednesday night is a bit of a blur... Paradox Twin and me are goi ng to help promote and book people for Spotlight, an awesome club space in Times Sq. Yes, I know, Times Sq. For someone who thinks Hiro is too far uptown it was like a roadtrip all the way up there. But the space is really really good, the DJ booth and area is amazing and there is so much room. If some of my favourite bands and DJs were performing there I would definitely make the tip up there.
We went there to check the place out and then ended up going to the usual places downtown, The Skinny, Darkroom (was sooo great to see Moreno and Jess and dance.. just like the old-school Wednesday nights apart from the fact that ParadoxSister wasn't there), Motorcity, Darkroom again, Skinny again... Someone gave me tequila instead of vodka and by the time I was drinking it I was too drunk to notice anyway, until I started feeling ANGRY (bad sign). Paradox twin and me did the good thing of leaving the bar and going somewhere else to practice our karate kicks.

The anger did not come from the tequila though. The anger came from seeing one of my friends so fucking upset and wanting to kick the person who made her that upset. If someone hurts your friend you stick up for them no matter what right? You don't just hide and say "I don't want to get involved". Selfish pieces of shit.

And you - the one who gives me withering looks when no one is looking: I specialise in those looks and yours are far from perfect. Seriously - don't mess with me. I don't give a shit about you or your drama and am actually happy to ignore you, so don't keep trying to make me want to kick you.

I feel better now :)

I just can't stay here every yesterday

I'm exhausted but bored. I have just been thinking of how many Stolis on the rocks I can drink before blacking out and counting the number of bruises (12) on my legs. BORing. I am running out of cigarettes and quarters to buy cigarettes with. And if I leave my apartment my legs may automatically carry me to the DR to drink myself stupid while MH plays music. Yeah I'm only barred from there when the person I used to consider my brother (otherwise known as the psycho) is away. Funny thing is I don't even care anymore.
Die fucker die.
It's fine - cos L the L replaced him and is a much better AND real friend to me than the psycho ever was. Who calls me immediately on receipt of a text that says "I feel so sad today".

It's been over three weeks and I am still completely obsessed (maybe more and more every day) with the new Interpol album. However, I've been listening to Letter to Elise on a loop for the past few days because it makes me cry and because I feel sad, bad nostalgic, doomed and depressed. Blah. If I got more than an average of 3 hours sleep a night/day do you think the mood would lift? Ellipsis.

Oooh Paradox Twin (not from birth) and me have taken to having sober evenings where we go out for dinner and talk. They are so much fun.

Anyone who deciphers the acronym "MH" gets a kiss.