Motherly Love

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This morning I was thinking about how much I missed my Mum now that she is back in California, and I realised that I am SO lucky to have a Mum I can call at any time, tell anything to and still run to crying, even at the age of 33... Nothing is real, or true, until I have told it to my Mum. I am SO lucky.

Here is a song that will always remind me of my childhood, of growing up, and of my Mum:

There were no super powers involved

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I thought I was superwoman. And everyone helped perpetuate the myth too. "How do you do it?!" "You are amazing! You can go out all night AND always make it to work the next day!" I can honestly tell you that there are no super powers involved, just plain old will power. And two years ago today I used that same will power in a more productive way - I cut alcohol out of my life completely. Yes, that means I haven't had a drop of alcohol in exactly two years. If you are extremely bored you can read this entire blog, go back to where I started it in 2007, and you can see the spiral down, and then the long road back up again. Spiraling was easy with hindsight, and a lot of fun at times, climbing out of there was a lot harder, and ultimately a strain on a lot of things (my mental health, friendships, my inspiration).

NYE 2008 was a lot of fun. I still remember every bit of it, maybe because for the first night in a while I didn't black out, didn't cry, didn't feel like I wanted to jump off a bridge. The next night was the complete opposite, I still only remember blurry moments. Crying in Motorcity bathroom, yelling at Eric about something or other he had done to upset me, wanting to jump out of the window at Michelle's house. Waking up in the morning on my couch, asking Meg where my phone was (hidden in the cutlery drawer so that I wouldn't break it).

That wasn't me anymore.

There is nothing wrong with going out and having fun. There is nothing wrong with getting drunk, with dancing on a barstool, with having a slight hangover the next day. There is something wrong when you drink glass after glass of straight Stoli, just hoping that the next one will bring some kind of oblivion until the next day. It stopped being fun the night I decided that I needed 15 Tylenol PM to knock me out. I should have known at that moment, but I guess I decided to drag it out a bit longer. But as someone who had known me very well at that time said a few months ago "You knew what you were doing. You were just pushing yourself to the bottom to see how far you could go, knowing full well you would make it back up to the top again". I think he's right - I just wish I had been able to restrain myself from such an unnecessary experience.

Over the past few years I have learnt to love myself again, to handle the mental ups and downs while remaining sober, to believe in myself a lot more, and to be more confident.

I don't judge - my decision to stop drinking was a decision for myself. Alcohol is no longer a big deal in my life, but I still see some of my friends ruin themselves with it. The below is the only thing I am going to say right now, and then I will keep my mouth closed again. I am not superior to anyone, sober or not sober, I just decided to face my issues instead of hiding behind them.

If you need a drink to feel normal then that's a problem.
If you need a drink to be able to hold a conversation with someone then that's a problem.
If you can't go out without having a drink, then that's a problem.
And if you drink and drive then that's a problem.

I wouldn't have been able to get through this all without my Mum, sister, brother and closest friends. I love you <3

Painting furniture!

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I've been talking about getting a bedside table for ages, and haven't really seen anything I want... So my Mum was her usual creative self and found a set of two tables that are going to be absolutely perfect once I restore and paint them...

I started today. Sanded down the tables that started off as an off-white colour. My bedroom has a pink-black-white theme, so after some pondering, I decided that I would paint them black and maybe add some silver stars, or a red rim. We will see - I need to get the fully painted first!

Here is what they looked like before I started:


It took me about 50 minutes to sand them down (with one cigarette break). Then I put the first coat of paint on them:


The paint seems to be more watery than I expected, so I am assuming they will need at least 3 coats. I may sand the corners down again once I have finished so they have a more "distressed" look (Mum's idea). We will see!!

I am really enjoying this - I can't wait to do the second coat!

More to come...

Houses and dreams...

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Mum recently got her real estate license and is going to sell houses as a hobby. So this weekend I went to a few open houses in the Mastic Beach area with her, just to see what type of places were being sold at the moment. I always find it a little strange, going into people's houses and looking around them, while they are still living there. But we saw some interesting, some very nice, and one amazing, places.

I'm thinking more and more about buying a small house out there, The prices are affordable right now, and I have always dreamed of owning my own house right by the bay, not far from the ocean. I already know how I would decorate all of the rooms, and how I want the garden to look. But would I want to live so far away from the city? In any case, I could never afford a down payment right now, so it's out of the question, but one can always dream.

I loved this one:

It needs a LOT of work, but it was really cute and quirky inside, and had loads of potential. I love old houses, places with character. I don't think I could ever buy a new house, unless it was built EXACTLY the way I envision my dream house. This one had a huge garden with lots of trees. Something I will always miss, living in an apartment in Bushwick.

We went to see a place that is priced at $2.8 million, right by the bay. Amazing. If I had that place I would never ever ever want to sell it. EVER. I liked the location too - It was in East Moriches, so still a nice peaceful area, unaffected by the Hamptons and all that crowd. I like towns and villages that still have character.

Anyway - it's nice to have dreams like this. Maybe all this will finally motivate me to learn how to drive. Because I would need a car out there...

Labor Day weekend

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Listening to some interesting stories that my Mum's friend from England is telling. He has been to every major event in history in the past 25 years, reporting, Driving from Sarajevo to Tulsa and being shot at by snipers, hidden in a hotel room in the middle of a military coup, filming the Berlin wall coming down... Amazing...
Makes me wonder why I am still stuck doing a job I really don't want to be doing. Time to start doing what I want to, writing again. But in the meantime I have to do some work on Labor Day. Awesome, right?

Right now I am sitting on my Mum's deck with her best friend Elaine and one of her best friends from England, chatting about music and memories and the future. The moon is really high in the sky and the cicadas are singing away. I keep thinking that I should buy a little house out here, and possibly feel settled for once in my life. I just can't afford to do anything like that for at least a year. Would I miss the city too much? I couldn't move alone... Ahhh.
I want that one dream I have had for so long to become reality!!! But that's another story. I will continue to keep hoping.

This past week has been interesting.

While the moon rises over the bay I will leave you with a picture of my lovely Bella. The gentlest, sweetest and most adorable dog ever.

So long Marianne

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Winter is definitely going out with a bang! We got a lot over snow during the night on Sunday, but it is slowly melting and the temperature is finally going up. I really hope that this weekend will be lovely. I am going to see Mum and Karli tomorrow evening after work, and I would love to go for a walk on the beach, take some pictures of the ocean, sit in the garden with a good book. Maybe I will receive my Zizek book by then - can't wait to read it. I'm reading A Tree Grows in Brooklyn right now. I can't believe I haven't read it yet - it's sooo good! I nearly forgot to get off the subway this morning (as usual). One day I will be sitting on there until 86th street without realising...

I miss Dylan.

I want to get my new tattoo this weekend. Pics will follow.

I am also procrastinating at work so I had better get back to it and finish what I need to finish. Maybe some Leonard Cohen will help me along the way.

xxx

Of sunshine and sleep

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I love weekends. Especially weekends where I wake up at 8am and see that the sun is shining and I have a WHOLE day all to myself to do whatever I like. Don't get me wrong I still like getting in at 5am on Saturday morning and sleeping all day in order to be well enough to party all Sunday night - but it's refreshing to break the routine up a little.
Just because I have been at my mum's house in on Long Island for two weekends in a row does not mean I am running away. It just means I am tired and need time out. Not including the fact that I actually enjoy hanging out with my mum! I woke up at 8:30 this morning, completely rested, had breakfast, took Fury for a walk, went thrift shopping (the elusive 1940's dress is still to be found), went regular shopping, came home, started setting up my new blog, watched The Story of Metal on VH1 Classic and read more of The Dirt. Plans for tonight: get some food and a movie and stay in, cuddling with Fury and Muffin. Out of the cold. Smoking cigarettes on the deck overlooking the bay and just taking in the view of the stars (and maybe the moon if it decides to appear).
I will be back in the city tomorrow morning, refreshed and this time not looking to stay out all night. Last Sunday night was a blast but I am a little tired of everything and feel like staying away. I will be having a late lunch with Larry so we can catch up on the past week and then dinner with Tracy and Nuutti at Tracy's. Can't wait to see them and hear Nuutti's new music, I feel like we haven't all spent time together for way too long.

I wish I could consolidate this blog with my old LJ. I don't update on LJ at all anymore but there are over 3 years of posts on there. I wish I could just print them out as I love keeping hard copies of things. I hoard all of my writing, even those poems written on napkins in bars and restaurants. I need to start being more focused and DOING something with this. FOCUS!!!!! Motivation. It's not lacking, I just need to work on it. This new blog is going to be the gateway to bigger and better things. I figured that I go out often enough, know the best bands, venues and parties in Manhattan, so why not share them with everyone else?! There are bands that are so awesome but that don't get the exposure they deserve - I am going to help change that.

Ok off to Blockbuster to get We Own The Night abd Gone Baby Gone. I also just downloaded the Cradle Of Filth cover of Shakespeare's Sister's "Stay" so I am going to go smoke a cig and listen to it.

Mwah x.