There were no super powers involved

I thought I was superwoman. And everyone helped perpetuate the myth too. "How do you do it?!" "You are amazing! You can go out all night AND always make it to work the next day!" I can honestly tell you that there are no super powers involved, just plain old will power. And two years ago today I used that same will power in a more productive way - I cut alcohol out of my life completely. Yes, that means I haven't had a drop of alcohol in exactly two years. If you are extremely bored you can read this entire blog, go back to where I started it in 2007, and you can see the spiral down, and then the long road back up again. Spiraling was easy with hindsight, and a lot of fun at times, climbing out of there was a lot harder, and ultimately a strain on a lot of things (my mental health, friendships, my inspiration).

NYE 2008 was a lot of fun. I still remember every bit of it, maybe because for the first night in a while I didn't black out, didn't cry, didn't feel like I wanted to jump off a bridge. The next night was the complete opposite, I still only remember blurry moments. Crying in Motorcity bathroom, yelling at Eric about something or other he had done to upset me, wanting to jump out of the window at Michelle's house. Waking up in the morning on my couch, asking Meg where my phone was (hidden in the cutlery drawer so that I wouldn't break it).

That wasn't me anymore.

There is nothing wrong with going out and having fun. There is nothing wrong with getting drunk, with dancing on a barstool, with having a slight hangover the next day. There is something wrong when you drink glass after glass of straight Stoli, just hoping that the next one will bring some kind of oblivion until the next day. It stopped being fun the night I decided that I needed 15 Tylenol PM to knock me out. I should have known at that moment, but I guess I decided to drag it out a bit longer. But as someone who had known me very well at that time said a few months ago "You knew what you were doing. You were just pushing yourself to the bottom to see how far you could go, knowing full well you would make it back up to the top again". I think he's right - I just wish I had been able to restrain myself from such an unnecessary experience.

Over the past few years I have learnt to love myself again, to handle the mental ups and downs while remaining sober, to believe in myself a lot more, and to be more confident.

I don't judge - my decision to stop drinking was a decision for myself. Alcohol is no longer a big deal in my life, but I still see some of my friends ruin themselves with it. The below is the only thing I am going to say right now, and then I will keep my mouth closed again. I am not superior to anyone, sober or not sober, I just decided to face my issues instead of hiding behind them.

If you need a drink to feel normal then that's a problem.
If you need a drink to be able to hold a conversation with someone then that's a problem.
If you can't go out without having a drink, then that's a problem.
And if you drink and drive then that's a problem.

I wouldn't have been able to get through this all without my Mum, sister, brother and closest friends. I love you <3

Deftones & Alice in Chains @ MSG, 09/24/2010

Whenever I think of 1995 I think of me at 16: long, long hair, ripped jeans, dresses, flannel shirts, Doc Martens (preferably with purple laces), skipping class to hang out in the park and MUSIC. Nirvana, NIN, Hole, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, Sonic Youth, L7, Belly etc etc. I still think I was the perfect age during the 90's, but that's a story for another day.

This year has been an interesting one. I have seen Hole ("Hole"), Pearl Jam and Faith No More. Last year I saw Dinosaur Jr and Sonic Youth (multiple times). In a way it was like being 16 again, and for the forever-nostalgic me it's been bittersweet, although more sweet than bitter.

I bought the tickets months ago when I saw that Deftones were opening for AIC, Meg loves the Deftones, so it was a perfect combination. I some them years ago in Sacramento, and don't really know any of their new stuff, but they put on an awesome show!

Deftones, MSG 09/24/2010
Deftones - 7 Words, MSG 09/24/2010

I didn't really know what to expect with Alice in Chains... I haven't listened to the new album at all, and I can't help thinking about Layne. It's really strange because the new singer (Robert DuVall) sounds SO much like him that you wonder if that's why they chose him. I mean, a lot of the whole AIC sound in the first place, apart from the distinctive guitar sound, was the fact that Layne Staley and Jerry Cantrell both sang on many songs, creating some pretty cool harmonized vocals effects. But anyway, what can you do when your lead singer dies? Quit or continue, and I really don't blame them for continuing! They really still do it for me, the sound, the heaviness, the vocals... I just closed my eyes quite a few times and felt myself fall right back in my 16 year old self's brain for an hour.

AIC, MSG 09/24/2010 - 1
AIC, MSG 09/24/2010 - 2

Gloomy day...

I don't know if I wanted Autumn to descend on us THIS fast. So gloomy. I can't concentrate on anything work-related this week, everything is giving me a headache, earache, backache... I just want to be at home reading, watching a movie, dreaming in the bath, hanging out with Meg and laughing about silly stories. Anything but sitting at my increasingly messy desk on the 40th floor, listening to the wind howl around me.

BLAH is pissing me off and I feel like I all I am saying to her nowadays is what a bad friend she is and how selfishly she is acting, and how she just drops anything that is important in her life to hang out with a guy who has pretty much treated her like a maggot for the past 5 years.
The excuse? "I am manic and depressed and confused". Well, yes, so am I. Doesn't give you license to act like an asshole. And... Eh. I will shut up now.

California in just over a week. Excited to see my siblings as it has been way too long. And of course my darling Fury dog. And my beloved Monterey. And finally a new tattoo...

Last of all: the new Grinderman album is awesome.

Am I insane

If I prefer to leave the insanity of the LES on a Saturday night and go home to clean my apartment?
Nearly went to see Meg at Marfa, but I really wanted to get the subway home and not fork out/fight for a cab home on this freezing night (sorry Mergy). So now I am drinking coffee and continuing on the purge of my apartment. The Salvation Army better be willing to come collect all this crap, because there is no way I am lugging it anywhere.

Interesting revelation of the night was born in my brain while walking against the icy wind. But I'm not going to talk about it here. Thanks Berthy for being right yet again :)

Breakfast at Tiffany's or Roman Holiday? Difficult choice.

End of winter?

I feel the end of winter is approaching, finally. This winter has been so long and brutal. I am tired of wearing my big coat, however gorgeous it is, tired of the icy wind and tired of feeling so tired!

But I am happy. However much work is kicking my butt (no change there), I am still much more focused and have found my goals again. Giving up alcohol was one of the best things I could have done this year! It has been 2 months now, and I don't regret and/or miss it. I can sit in a bar for a bit and feel fine with just a water. Last night was really nice. Meg picked me up from work and we drove down to the LES, got hot chocolates and sat at Darkroom in a booth with Eric and Jeff for a bit. Then we played Pacman at Motor and went home just after 11pm. I have tomorrow off work, so I am planning on sleeping in, baking cookies for Noemie's babyshower on Saturday, cleaning the apartment and getting a manicure. I'm really looking forward to the long weekend!

Saturday night is going to be AWESOME! Two of my favourite New York bands are playing at the Mercury Lounge (Cruel Black Dove & Blacklist). I plan to take a lot of pictures for my other (new) blog. It exists only in my head for now, but will be online next week at the latest. It will be a mix of all things NY, cheap and easy and weird and wonderful things to do here. Music, parties, restaurants, art galleries, books, walks, shops... Whatever I like you will get to hear about :)

This is where I will be on Saturday: