Ramblings: Siblings

I've been terribly lazy about writing all week, blaming the fact that I am tired on my complete lack of concentration. It's not like I am lacking in inspiration - I actually have a lot of it at the moment - I just can't seem to sit down and just write for a few hours. I need to refocus my attention on what I need to accomplish over the next three months. This novel is never going to get written otherwise, and if I want to move on to something else I need to at least finish the first draft.

For some stupid reason I always seem to get inspired about certain topics when I'm in the shower. Not exactly the best place to immediately write things down so that you don't forget them, so I find myself repeating them over and over again until I have finished washing my hair and can jump out and write notes on some random paper/magazine/bog roll that is hanging around. Anyway, the other day I was thinking about brothers and sisters and family and everything those words entail in my life, and in the lives of those that I love, and was inspired to write something. Sometimes it's just so much easier to express yourself with written words rather than spoken words (in my opinion anyway - I tend to be quite crap at expressing myself at the best of times).

Remember that time when you and your little sister shared a room when you were kids and were always dancing and singing to Elvis Presley and fighting about who was going to marry him (never mind that he was already dead and had been for quite a few years)? That time when you thought your sister was a doll so you proceeded to go and try to pull her head off while she was sleeping, just like you did with all your other dolls ( I WAS 2 at the time, so cannot be blamed for thinking my sister was just a big doll)? Or that time when you got home from school to find your little brother had finally been born and was sleeping peacefully in his cot? Not that he remained peaceful for long - he the fantastic ability of screaming the house down whenever he needed to. What about that time when you and your sister walked into an empty bar, and your sister went up to the DJ and asked him to play Bauhaus because it was your "happy music"? Yes, he did play Bauhaus and Siouxsie for that matter, and we all ended up going to Yaffa Cafe for breakfast and I put Tabasco on my sister's eggs for a laugh while she was snogging one of the guys somewhere else in the restaurant. What about all those times you and your brother would have drunken conversations at 4am your time and 1am his time? Actually, I think that's more like one-sided drunken conversations, because I doubt he had been drinking most of the time.What about the time you went on a road trip from Sacramento to Santa Cruz with your sister, and just as you were driving into the town Dead Skin Mask started playing and you both ended up doing crazy air drum and air guitar moves while shouting along to the song to the amusement of the people walking down the street? Or that time when you went on a roadtrip to Bodega Bay and made your brother run/roll down the sand hill multiple times so you could get a good photo?

There are so many memories, good, bad, funny, interesting and just plain weird. I've lived pretty far away from my siblings for a long time now, but we text/talk/write/comment on each others posts every day. My brother is the only person up until now who has read all of the 123 pages I have currently written of my novel and took the time to write his comments down and send them to me. We've all been through so much shit together, even not speaking to each other for a while, but it always ends in hugs and tears and more hugs and tears. I tell my sister everything and know when she's not doing well, even if she hasn't told me how she is feeling. Whenever I feel the slightest bit lonely (and it is possible to feel that way in this city, even if there are always things to do and people to see), I know that I'll always be surrounded by my sister and my brother, however far away they are. I'll be in California for 2 weeks in June, and I know that we will have a million laughs, probably fight a few times, complain to each other about each other and create more memories that I will probably end up writing about over the next few years. Then I will be back here in NYC, and they will be over there in Sacramento and we will continue to count on each other forever, even when we fuck up and hurt each other.

Ahhh... I was just thinking back to that rave we went to back in the 90's, when we drove for hours and finally found it around 5am, then got kicked out by the police at Noon, only to drive all the way back to Grenoble in the boiling heat... And when I decided that one NYE that it would be a wonderful idea to drink a bottle of Baileys followed by a bottle of white wine followed by a bottle of cider and my sister tried to cover for me when my mum called from the party she was at because I was puking my guts up...Every time I think of a story ten others follow suite.

I don't even know why I am even writing this... I guess I miss my siblings more than usual at the moment and just know what a blessing it is that they exist in my life. I get that protective older sister feeling (even though I feel like they spend most of their time trying to protect me from getting hurt by everything) and want to be there to make sure they are always happy. Sometimes I fantasise about living nearer them in California, but I know that NYC is my home now and I would miss this place too much. I wouldn't miss the winters or my family so much, but I know I would miss my home too much.

Maybe I will just go and call both of them right now.

California California California

I'm back again. It went too fast and I feel quite sad today. New York has been my home for over five years now, but California was the first place I came to in the States, over ten years ago...

Mum was transferring from France to California with work and she took me with her on her "looking for a house" trip in June 2000. I fell in love the moment I landed in San Francisco. Since then it has been my second home, wherever I happen to find myself in the world, because my closest family has been living there. Mum had a three year stint on Long Island, but is moving back to California this year, so I am going to be alone on the East Coast again, and it makes me wonder if I should start thinking about moving out there too... We will see.

Karli took me down to Santa Cruz and Monterey this year, reliving our road trip from 2004. We literally laughed non-stop for two days straight. I could seriously live in Santa Cruz. Or Bodega Bay. Or Monterey. As long as I am by the ocean I am happy...
Dylan and I went book and music shopping and talked and laughed.
I miss my siblings a lot...
And it was also wonderful to be near my second family too, Mo, Tiff, Jess, the kids.

Time to think things over a lot methinks.

Here are some pictures that pretty much capture the wonderful week I had. Even writing about it now makes me sad so I am going to go back to listening to Nirvana and dancing around my room right now :)

Santa Cruz & Monterey


Gloomy day...

I don't know if I wanted Autumn to descend on us THIS fast. So gloomy. I can't concentrate on anything work-related this week, everything is giving me a headache, earache, backache... I just want to be at home reading, watching a movie, dreaming in the bath, hanging out with Meg and laughing about silly stories. Anything but sitting at my increasingly messy desk on the 40th floor, listening to the wind howl around me.

BLAH is pissing me off and I feel like I all I am saying to her nowadays is what a bad friend she is and how selfishly she is acting, and how she just drops anything that is important in her life to hang out with a guy who has pretty much treated her like a maggot for the past 5 years.
The excuse? "I am manic and depressed and confused". Well, yes, so am I. Doesn't give you license to act like an asshole. And... Eh. I will shut up now.

California in just over a week. Excited to see my siblings as it has been way too long. And of course my darling Fury dog. And my beloved Monterey. And finally a new tattoo...

Last of all: the new Grinderman album is awesome.

So long Marianne

Winter is definitely going out with a bang! We got a lot over snow during the night on Sunday, but it is slowly melting and the temperature is finally going up. I really hope that this weekend will be lovely. I am going to see Mum and Karli tomorrow evening after work, and I would love to go for a walk on the beach, take some pictures of the ocean, sit in the garden with a good book. Maybe I will receive my Zizek book by then - can't wait to read it. I'm reading A Tree Grows in Brooklyn right now. I can't believe I haven't read it yet - it's sooo good! I nearly forgot to get off the subway this morning (as usual). One day I will be sitting on there until 86th street without realising...

I miss Dylan.

I want to get my new tattoo this weekend. Pics will follow.

I am also procrastinating at work so I had better get back to it and finish what I need to finish. Maybe some Leonard Cohen will help me along the way.


Time Out

One week down, and one real night out with only soda and cran. I made it through sitting at my two usual bars, on probably the most annoying night of the year (ie fratboy central, or Dec 27th). All of my friends are really supportive, except for one person who started making an obsession out of it. "Why aren't you drinking?" "Why are you sitting at a bar and drinking WATER?!". Um, because I WANT to?! To cut a long story short all I have to say is, yes I will not be getting black out drunk and going home with you tonight. Or ever again! Because you just proved to me that your maturity level is way lower than I even dared to think it was. Out of my life. NOW!!!!! Sobriety is a good way to weed out all those non-friends from your life. I must say that this week Tracy and Harry showed me even more than usual how good a friends they are to me. I love them.

I'm at my mum's with Beth until tomorrow. I just went to the mall with Karli - two hours was enough for me, especially when some Disney radio show started its broadcast. I'm a city girl through and through, but I love the fact that my mum lives right by the ocean, with phenomenal views and complete peace and quiet. A gorgeous house surrounded by water, stars at night, and wildlife. Named "Rehab Central" by my mum :)

I'm putting Operation H (Rockstar 2) into effect. Something dawned on my cloudless mind this week. No more men who use me like trash, or who just don't appreciate me the way I should be, or need to be. So I shall be single until someone who meets H's potential comes along. I just don't want to even think about H himself cos I just wouldn't dare to believe that could happen.

Of sobriety and gingerbread lattes

After an eventful night on Sunday when once again I woke up at home not remembering a thing from the past 6 hours, accumulated with the fact that once again I felt terrible and the fact that Tracy told me that people were beginning to worry about me and that when I blacked out I wasn't Jade anymore I decided to stop drinking for a while.
Nothing. Certainly NO vodka. But also no wine or beer or ANYTHING. Something flipped in the past few months - I have blacked out 4/5 times I have been drinking and I have been LUCKY I have people around me who care about me. I don't really care if I have made a fool of myself, I just care about the fact that I have made people WORRY about me. The way I used to worry about some of my friends. The way I promised myself I would never ever ever get.

So, sobriety. It's not even daunting - actually exciting. There are so many things I have neglected in the last 6 months that I am prepared to get back into again. My writing for one. Reading is another. All those plans I have been thinking about but never acting upon. I don't want to stop going out, but will go out sober. My friends are all with me which is a great feeling. And those of you who prefer blacked-out drunk Jade... Well you didn't really know me at all anyway.

I had a wonderful Christmas at Mum's. I got so spoilt with a ton of things that I can use and that I have wanted/needed for ages. I ate so much and rested and thought about a lot of things. I love my family so much. I just wish Dylan could have been there.

I just had my first gingerbread latte of the year - and probably my last. I can't afford much at the moment!