Ramblings: Inspired by a quotation...

I woke up and read this Roger Nimier quote on one of my friend's Facebook pages. It inspired me to write the following in the space of about ten minutes. It could be now, it could be 5 years ago, who knows... But it's all true and I think many can relate to it.

Descente aux enfers… Or is it ?

"Il est fréquent d'aimer les abîmes, il est juste de s'y précipiter, mais il est étrange d'accepter d'y descendre lentement, pas à pas, et d'envelopper cette déchéance d'une douceur qui trompe tout le monde et soi-même."
Roger Nimier

Rough translation (done in 10 seconds):
“It is common for one to love the depths of despair, it is normal to throw oneself into them, but it is strange when one accepts to descend into them slowly, step by step, and to cover this decline so gently that one deceives everyone else and oneself.”

It appears to be a sort of “descente aux enfers”, slowly, without even knowing where the idea came from, where the feeling started and what triggered such a pull downwards towards some kind of hell, but step by step it’s taking you there. It could be a way of controlling oneself, seeing just how far you can go until you hit a rock, maybe not rock bottom, but somewhere near there. Feeling like you are losing your mind, step by step, opens up certain visions to what you could or should be, and how you could and would make it. But, at that moment in time you don’t have the real incentive or power to actually stop it and climb back up again. When you are finally at the bottom, there are two real choices: stay there and probably just walk into an early grave, or look up and see what you are missing. 

It could also be a hidden cry for help, you want someone to notice where you are heading, but you can’t actually open your mouth to say it out loud because you can’t find the words to express what you are feeling. Or you feel too guilty to bother anyone with your own problems, which seem so much less serious than other people’s problems. You have a job, enough money to live on, wonderful friends and a place to live. So who will really understand the demons that plague your mind every day, or that feeling of walking through a thick cloud every time you are finally able to make it out of bed? Especially when you are one of the most positive people you know ten months out of twelve? Why would you plague someone else with your minor issues when they have much more important things to deal with in life? 

Or, then again, you could just not care anymore. Let everyone see how insane you really are.  Letting loose, losing control now and again brings some kind of fulfillment. When you are tired of looking after yourself and being responsible every single day, it often helps to go on a crazy self-indulgent and self-harming rampage. And then you wake up feeling like you lost a couple of days in your life and will never ever be able to live them again. You feel guilty and ill, but also kind of exhilarated and high – you dodged the bullet yet again and are still here to tell the tale. Back to reality and responsibility, back to life as you know it and don’t always want to live it.

All in all, it is a perfect combination of all of the above, and all in all, it is worth it to make it back up to the top, back to the other side. Because despite what we all may think at times in our lives, the sun always rises every morning and the rain does stop to bear blue skies and light, wispy clouds. Nights can be long, but days can be even longer if you decide to live through them instead of hiding until the sun goes down. I am too strong to let life get the better of me, and have too much to accomplish to hide away in the shadows.

So much ANGER

I’m just SO ANGRY at the moment. Small things that usually wouldn’t really bother me are throwing me into fits of intense irritation, things that would normally piss me off are making me scream with rage, and I don’t even want to think about what will happen if something or someone really tries to annoy me.
That person tapping their foot constantly in the seat behind me? I want to smash my fist into his/her face. The person sitting next to me in this coffee shop who keeps looking at my screen? I want to pour hot coffee over her head. The cab driver who tried to run me over last night? I wanted to chase after him with a baseball bat and smash all the windows in his cab. That obnoxious car alarm that keeps going off under my apartment window? I want to open my window and scream obscenities until it stops. I stomp down the streets hoping that some kind of physical activity will help release some steam, but it doesn’t. I try to put my usual happiness-inducing playlists on my iPod and think of better places, but that doesn’t help either. I try to leave the house and write somewhere else, hoping that I will be more inspired elsewhere than what I normally consider to be the place where I feel the most comfortable. Same problem. Angsty and highly irritable seems to be the top feelings of the month, one that turns me into a raging angry person, something that I am finding really hard to contain. I’m usually such a balanced person; I get angry like anyone else, but it’s usually easy to contain and to get rid of. At the moment I feel like I am on the edge of some kind of imminent explosion. It’s so ridiculous that even spell check telling me that my fragmented phrases are grammatical errors makes me want to throw my laptop against the wall. “That’s the way I write you fucking piece of crap software who is telling me I am wrong!!”.
Like it’s THAT easy.
So why am I so angry? I mean there must be some reason for this? I list up all the reasons that could explain the hows and whys. I’m angry that I spent Christmas away from my family. I’m angry that I couldn’t afford to pay for a flight ticket back home to be with my family, especially seeing as my brother just lost his father and could have done with his (angry) big sister around. I’m angry because I am constantly broke and it’s always a struggle to pay the rent and the bills and my credit is in such a bad state right now that I would rather not even think about it. I’m angry because I wake up feeling depressed every day and I know that I don’t feel strong enough to fight it this time. I’m angry because I am not pushing myself hard enough to finish my novel. I’m angry because I miss my family, and England and France, and my friends abroad. I’m angry because all the men I meet either treat me like shit, disappear or just aren’t the right person for me. I’m angry because I’m not 25 anymore, and I’m angry because I’ve not traveled in years and miss it terribly. I’m angry because this world continues to fall apart around us and all we do is watch it happen. I’m angry because there is so much sadness around us and I can’t change it. But most of all I am angry because I can’t be superwoman all the time, and I wish I could.
Maybe I SHOULD just go and punch someone. Maybe it will help.

Ahh... April...

My favourite journal is the one that dates from June 19th 2000 until December 23rd 2003. There is something so heartbreaking, poignant and real about all of the entries in it. Living in my real first apartment without my family, breaking down while writing my thesis, being so afraid, but living without fear, drinking coffee and smoking in the university corridors... Wine from the bottles hidden in my backpack, poetry and music, dancing all night long. I miss Aymeric playing 100 Years every Saturday night for me at the Mark XIII. Caramel vodka shots! We were all so smart and ready to make something happen. We could all sit around a table in a bar and talk for hours and hours and hours. You can't talk in bars here... You can only drink and watch people make fools out of themselves. I just need more than this - playing dumb is just plain boring.

It scares me a little that the July 12th 2002 entry describes exactly how I feel right now. It's too personal to even copy bits out of, but it just makes me wonder if I keep running away from those feelings, and that they will always catch up with me wherever I am...

Luna and me, 5 Rue Crepu, 38000 Grenoble, France, June 2001

Sweet Surrender

Day 11.

Positive things: I feel great. My skin is beginning to glow again and I have more energy. I think this all comes from the combination of not drinking, getting more sleep and eating better. And, of course, not constantly working 15 hours a day. I feel more productive at work too, a lot more motivated and positive.

No negativity.

Difficulties: leaving my friends at 10pm last night, knowing full well they were all staying out to have fun - it was harder than I thought it would be, so I just listened to Calla on the way home, and once I was there I felt a lot better. Nothing can beat Tim Buckley, a good book, my bed, ginger tea and Luna :)

So I am feeling a lot happier and more positive already. I promised the girls that I would get a therapist, and I will. There re too many issues I have kept too far inside and haven't dealt with properly. BUT I need to do it on my own time. People don't understand that I have actually dealt with clinical depression for so many years that I don't remember when it started. Sadly this is often a hereditary affliction, and I don't want to be on medication for the rest of my life. Sometimes I fix it by curling into myself and becoming anti-social. Other times I tend to drink until I forget. Other times I channel it and use it productively. I need to learn to do the latter, because the self-destructive attitude just plunges me into deeper pits and doesn't really solve anything.

Winter is tough in New York, especially January. It's freezing cold, always dark when you leave work and pretty depressing. I want this January to be different, I want it to mean something. Change? Definitely.

I miss Dylan already :(

When the lights go out my brain turns on

My emotions are way out of tune at the moment. I know there's something wrong but I cannot bring myself to get what I need for them. I've done so well without pills, and they make me feel so out of it and and zombie-esque that I don't want to. I'm afraid to lose all feeling. BFF amle L the L took me out for dinner last night and told me that I was either super sad or super happy at the moment. And he's right - there is no middle ground - either I'm dancing around a pole at Darkroom or literally dragging myself out of bed in the morning after 12 hours sleep not knowing how the hell I am going to make it to work without throwing myself under the subway.

So how do we make Happiness Paradox come back? Because even the Stoli-induced Happiness is not working so well anymore. It now just makes me fall off barstools or dance around poles while blacked out. And that really isn't sexy. It's just hilarious. (Lets not talk about how sad that is - at least I hang out in a neighbourhood where this happens to everyone else on a weekly basis too.)
I came to the conlusion that I needed to change my job a while ago. I'm very happy with everything in my life except for my job. Which I now hate. I can't even pretend that it will get better anymore. And my bosses can tell me over and over again that I'm a natural at what I do and excellent at my job - it doesn't change anything. I'm just not passionate about this industry. I love writing and I love music. I don't love localization. It's a job. It got me a visa to live and work in New York. But afeter 2.5 years it's driving me insane. I haven't written an interesting word for a year because I have absolutely no inspiration. And I HATE that.

I have an idea for a new novel forming in my brain. I now need to sit down and get it out. I will use my red eye flight back from LA on Thursday night to start putting ideas down. Baby steps. LA is going to be a blast (not): I fly in tomorrow night at 10:30pm, have a meeting from 9-11am and then I get the red-eye back in the evening. I haven't even prepared anything yet. It just doesn't interest me anymore...

I also need to write my experiences from last week down. Control and BRMC. And all of the rest. Stomping up and down Ludlow. I miss doing that with Paradox Twin. Especially because I've decided to finally walk my new boots in (the others are going to lose their sole soon. I cannot get rid of them yet though - I love them too much).

Why do I feel so tired? And why do I feel so sad all of the time. I need a Stoli on the rocks. I wish I could say no but it's the only thing that perks me up right now. Well there is another thing, but it makes me too sad to talk about it at this moment in time. Maybe later this week. Maybe never. Those who know know anyway.