I'm so happy for the three day weekend! Work has been insane for the past few weeks, and I haven't even been out since last weekend! I'm DJing at Beauty Bar tonight, in the front room with Mark Ryan. Jonathan will be spinning in the back room as usual and a bunch of people will be coming. Even people from work as no one has to get up tomorrow. It should be a blast!

So how come I rest all week (well not including the insane stress at work which I would not lump into the "resting" category) and I start getting sick? My throat hurts and I have a dry cough that is really irritating. This will not stop me from having a much deserved Stoli on the rocks at 10:30pm. And then from sleeping all day tomorrow, watching the fireworks from the Gretsch building where Keith lives and then going to Home Sweet Home tomorrow night. I'm planning on staying away from Ludlow more at the moment, as it tends to get me down. What upsets me is that I hate being stuck in a rut, and I hate seeing my talented friends not doing anything with their talent (not all though - I am happy for those who have the drive and the courage to reach out and grab what is rightfully theirs). And I am tired of the drama, the gossip, the black outs...
Am just going to focus on work and being happy right now.

xxx

Silence is sexy

I haven't updated in so long and I don't even know where to start now. I feel this is the first day in a long time that my head is actually clear. Yes I stayed in last night and passed out. For 10 hours straight. I DID put my alarm on because I had promised to go and see Distortion DJ in Brooklyn. I didn't even hear it. If you don't include this weekend the last time I had a full night's sleep was last Weds? I can't even remember. Actually last night was the first time I had slept in my own bed in over a week. More about that later.

My moods have stabilized again. For now. I can't predict anything yet because I am still drinking just as much but I don't feel so severely depressed anymore. After the whole pills episode I think I realised that I still wanted to be around for a while. But now I have started to face reality again and it's not very pretty at this moment in time. I haven't paid my rent for 3 months and am probably going to get evicted. I'm not even that worried about it because I can't afford the apartment anyway... I love the place but am hardly ever there and I'm beginning to realise that I can't live alone at the moment. I go out because I want to be around people, my friends to be more exact. I want to party constantly and have fun. It stops me from thinking about how much I really really hate my job and the only reason why I am still doing it is because I don't have a green card and I can only work here on my visa.
And I have medical insurance and a regular paycheck. I want to go back to bartending again - the money is much better and at least I enjoy it. I love DJing too. I don't want to stop going out because that is when I'm happy. So the plan is to use going out and earn money from it in some way. Getting paid to have fun - now that would be awesome. I now just need to focus on finding a way.

Tuesday night was so much fun DJing with Combat Baby. She's awesome :) Tonight Mr Deuce Deuce asked me to bring IrockIroll and our ipods to Midway and relieve him from DJing for a while. So we will be ipod battling tonight - it was great last time and this time we will be a little more prepared, and maybe a little less drunk. Maybe.
Last time I introduced IrockIroll to the goth world. I took her to a Blacklist show that was held in the basement of a warehouse in Tribeca (the bar was 3 types of liquor and poured straight into plastic pint glasses with a couple of ice cubes). The show was awesome as usual - can't wait til the next one on Dec 21st. We had to leave before the end because I had promised Mr Deuce Deuce I would turn up and relieve him. Another band played before Blacklist, with a girl singer. They weren't bad at all but I cannot remember their name. Will have to look it up.

A lot of other things have been happening to me, things that I don't really want to talk about right now because they are good things in general and I just don't really know what I actually think and feel. I prefer not to describe and wait and see. maybe next week...

Ahhh... I love my friends. I have the greatest in the world.
xxx

I'm with the band

Every week I tell myself that I am going to have a week off. I don't mean a week off work, I mean a week off the rest of my life. Every Sunday I go out and get in at 3am at the latest (and that's usually when I start drinking at 8pm - don't even ask what happens if I start drinking later). That sets the tome for the rest of the week. It's as if I can't help myself, no willpower to stop. I need that Stoli on the rocks to get through the work week.
A few weeks ago I felt like I was walking through a haze, trying to dodge stones of my life falling all around me, but getting hit every time because my movements were too slow. I am finally stumbling out of it, hurt, bruised, older and just a little more cynical. But I still can't face myself right now. Oblivion still attracts me. Not being able to remember helps me through the abnormality of my reality. I should get away for a while, try to be something else, but my honesty just won't let me.

I went to see Jess' play last night "Angry Young Women in Low Rise Jeans with High Class Issues" It was excellent, funny, wittyand Jess was awesome. I'm still amazed that she has the guts to stand on stage every night in just a bra and thong and STILL act. I love that girl.

CMJ week is killing me. I haven't actually seen that many bands, but I caught Hannah's band Silver Rockets and my personal favourite New York band of the moment, A Place to Bury Strangers on Thursday. I think I will go to see them again tonight at The Delancey with Bruce's Girl. Then I know without even planning it that I will end up at Motorcity. I vaguly remembering being there last night and then going back to Darkroom (from where I am supposedly barred although not really). Drama drama. I'd much rather just be at Motorcity where the people who matter are real, honest and friendly. I've never experienced first hand drama there.
I also had to DJ on Wednesday night at The Skinny. Twas a lot of fun. As usual I ended up playing eveything and anything, especially as the night wore on... Everyone has a secret goth in them. People were dancing to The Sisters and The Cult without even realising it. Scott and me are doing Halloween night there too and I shall be going as an angel. All in white with a blonde wig. Paradox.

There is no way to go

Calla tomorrow. What more can I say?

I shall miss Paradox Twin. This time there will be no pictures taken in the Annex bathrooms and sent to MH with the text "Your presence is requested at The Annex". I don't think we ever laughed as much as we did the next day when we recalled our antics. RPBitch has nothing on us.

Wednesday night DJing at The Skinny was awesome. I've learnt that even after an hour of sleep I can still stay up all night and have fun. And play goooood music. Can't wait to do it again.