I found these entries in one of my journals just after I wrote my Barcelona blog post last week. They transported me right back there, sunny, hazy days full of decisions and thoughts. I do love reading back and remembering the person I was then and how she hasn’t changed all that much.
Friday 24th July 2009
You smell like Europe. You feel like Europe. You act like Europe. You are Europe. The Europe I know so well but you just speak a different language, one that I understand a little. If I shut off my hearing you could be France. Home? Dirty, humid, hot, old, colourful, voices, noisy, awake, asleep, bare feet, balconies, ice cream, terrasses, stars, warm breeze, fountains, cathedrals, peace, hills, espresso, winding streets in the city, mountains.
I can see the big star, my star, my planet, my Venus, watching over me. Always there, waiting for me to look up and smile. I can breathe again. This is so wonderful, I don’t know how it all got lost, I can’t believe it all just came back to me. My Europe, sanctuary, push you away, stay away, leave you, use you, love you, hate you, make you the basis of my nostalgia and my pain, but you save me once again.
I just needed a breath of yours to be revived from this plateau I have been hiding behind. You will always be part of me and I need to start remembering that. Oh! I finally feel again. Emotion, love, hatred, pain, joy, warmth, cold, hot, heat, wet, dry, elation, despair. I want to climb to the rooftop and watch my star watch me.
I won’t break again. I am whole again. Thank you.
Saturday 25th July 2009
There is something really lovely about walking around an unknown city all by yourself. I am literally wandering with no real direction. What is it that paralyzes me? It’s like a took a few steps back, back into that zone of anxiety that I thought I had left behind when I got off the plane in Tel Aviv.
This morning was lovely. I walked all around Barri Gòtic and El Raval taking random pictures. I lit a candle for Daddy in a church as I always do in every city I go to.
Tuesday 28th July 2009 On the balcony
Yes. THE balcony. I think it’s my favourite place here. I have been working SO much it’s not even funny. I can’t even focus on what is the most urgent because everything is. I really, really want to go home. I never wanted this to be my life. I feel trapped in something I never ever wanted. I wish I could drink now too. Drink myself into an oblivion of NOTHING.
I wonder if I will move back to Europe.
Wednesday 29th July 2009
HALF MOON HALF SUN.
I see her straight in front of me, half smile, eyes cast straight ahead, no haste, no speed, rambling with precise direction. Never stalling but always there. I see her watching me as I watch her, watching me when I lose my way. Picking me up with her eyes and pointing me towards the next hill to climb, sea to swim, bridge to build. I love her with all my emotions but she always remains too far to touch, to access, to curl up with. My protectoress, my savior, my guide forever up there looking down, looking down, looking down.
Thursday 30th July 2009
She’s in the same place as last night,
Time for me to go, to say goodbye
Yet another place to be nostalgic about
Yet another moment to stow away,
To remember next year and the one after.
Beautiful statues, I hope you see them too.
I probably won’t ever sit here again
But I will keep this spot in my memory,
The place where I was inspired
To wake up and feel again.
Hope, freedom, love, pain, angst
Tears, laughter, worry, happiness
Time to cry, time to laugh
Thank you special place
I will see you again in a different time.