Merry Christmas Grandma!

My maternal grandparents on their wedding day, Grandma in 2005, Grandma at one of her first jobs.

I’m lucky. There aren’t so many people my age who can say they got to spend a substantial amount of their lives with at least one grandparent, let alone two. I may have lost my grandfathers earlier in life (one I never even knew), and my father way too early, but I was blessed by the fact that not only were both of my grandmothers very present, they were also both around until very recently. My Nana passed away at the age of 94 in early 2012, and my Grandma at the age of 85 this time last year. I last spoke to her a few weeks before she passed, a couple of minutes via an online messenger, where we chatted about her health, about her great grandchildren, and about Christmas. I’ve known her voice all of my life, and I will never forget it. She loved Christmas so much.

Grandma, or GG as my kids call her, was many things, to many people, but to me she was simply my Grandma. I don’t remember a time without her, however many thousands of miles, and countries apart we lived from each other. As a child we spent a lot of time together, especially after my parents separated, because we literally lived around the corner from her and her second husband, Grandad Derek. They had their antique store called Cobwebs in the Arcade just down the road. My sister and I watched many an Elvis Presley movie in their living room, snacking on random things and most likely wavering between fighting who loved Elvis more, and pretending to be Priscilla. We were living at Grandma’s house when the restaurant to the right of my mother and stepfather’s apartment burned down, and where my mother witnessed a fire engine be lifted off the ground by the force of the windows exploding in the burning building. I remember watching them demolish that part of the street a few months later, our apartment still intact. I think they rebuilt it later, and kept the original black swan figure that was saved from the ashes of the fire. Actually I can’t remember if it was a white swan or a black swan now…

Little Chef is a chain of motorway food restaurants in the UK, kind of a mix between fast-food and diner, very kid-friendly and usually located side by side with motel type places to say or budget hotels. I feel like if I would go to one now I would be disappointed because it would never taste like the taste I remember: freedom and adventure. Who would have thought fried food would have so much going for it? I’m pretty sure my yearnings towards egg, chips and peas with HP Sauce comes from our Little Chef stops with Grandma and Grandad Derek. One summer they took my sister and me to Hunstanton in Norfolk, where we stayed in a Bed and Breakfast with flowery covers and wallpaper, where the bed was soft and warm, and everything smelled like the seaside. On our way there the skies were grey, typical, and Grandad Derek said that if we saw enough blue to make a pair of sailor’s trousers it was a sign that it would clear up soon. Lo and behold, an hour or so later I excitedly pointed out enough blue to make a pair of sailor’s trousers, and not long after that the sun was shining and the grey skies were relegated to other places. And the sun shone and shone during that week, hot for England. We searched for crabs and shells and made sandcastles and jumped in the sea as the tide came back up, and ate chips and battered sausages in newspaper. I’m sad I don’t remember the woad song Grandad taught us though... We made him sing it over and over again. When I saw Braveheart years later I remember thinking “ha! He’s wearing woad!”

Like I said, Grandma was a constant presence. As the eldest child of her eldest child I also happened to be her first grandchild. And she would drive me bonkers at times (I’m very certain I drove her bonkers as much if not more). I think a lot of what she saw of me as a teen was a wayward, naughty, rude, and heading for a dark, dark future child, and I can’t really blame her because when I did see her at those times I was exactly that. I do think that it colored our relationship for a long time afterwards, but we made up for that over the years. And she never ever forgot a birthday or Christmas, or any other special occasion, which is something I really need to get much better at… She never failed to send her beloved great grandchildren gifts even though we live thousands and thousands of miles away, and would love it when I sent her frequent pictures and movies of the kids through Facebook Messenger. I feel very blessed that modern technology allowed my grandmother to talk to her great grandchildren face to face. While this of course was not the same as actually meeting them in person, it was as close as we could get, and my eldest will hopefully remember her GG over time. My middle child treasures her llama toy and still sleeps with it often, and will always know that her GG picked it out especially for her, even if she won’t remember talking to her.

I’m lucky. I’m 41 years old and my Grandma was a part of my life for 40 of those years (even during the wayward teen years). Sometimes she would judge and sometimes I would judge, but most of the time we would have a good laugh and talk about all kinds of things. She was always warm, welcoming, funny, and would never feel properly dressed without her lipstick. (And she was lucky enough to know all about the coolest music in the 90’s, even if my way of educating her about it was probably not the best. A story involving RATM’s Killing In The Name comes to mind, one that I am too embarrassed to repeat now…)

In 2004 I returned from Israel not knowing where I would be able to live. My green card application was going to take years or even decades (literally), so the US was out of the question, I wasn’t ready to move back to France, so it felt like the UK was the best option. Grandma welcomed me into her home for as long as I needed to be, and even though I only stayed for two weeks before jumping on a train to London, I will always be so grateful. I ended up in London with a suitcase and an address for a youth hostel, and two days later a job in a hotel, and a week later a much better job and a real home. I have always loved a good adventure, and I like to think that Grandma loved to follow me on these adventures, from her own home.

After months of shunning social media, I finally permanently deleted my FB account in late December last year, and without realizing deleted my messenger account too. After shrugging my shoulders and logging in to a new one with my phone number I suddenly stopped short. I had deleted all of my messages with my Grandma. We would message back and forth on messenger on quite a regular basis, a few words here and there, and lots of pictures and videos of my kids. She used to love Facebook, keeping up with us all, so much family close by but so many of us thousands of miles away too. A year later I still find myself taking photos of my children, and thinking how I should send one or the other to her because she would most likely love to see it. So I just send them to her in my head now, hoping that she’s somewhere happy, relieved of all worries and all pain. I do wish I had thought to keep those messages, but maybe it’s better this way? I still have so many handwritten cards from over the years to look back at and share with my kids.

I am lucky. While I never knew my father’s father as he died when my father was young. I only have vague memories of my father’s stepfather, as he died when I was very young. I have wonderful memories of my mother’s father, but he died when I was 13. My Grandma’s second husband was always a presence in my life, but by his personality he was mainly in the background. My own father died when I was 10, and for the most art my life lacked in positive male figures. I am however still lucky. Lucky because I have always had strong female figures in my mother, grandmothers, and aunts. I am lucky because all of these people were always there for me, even though I lived so far away from many of them after the age of 10. Funnily enough my children also live thousands of miles from their grandmothers, as my mother lives in England, and their paternal grandmother lives in Mexico. But communication is easier nowadays, we can send a message in a second at any time, and see each other’s faces as often as we want.  Distance never stopped me being close to my grandmothers, and I know that it will be the same for my kids too.

It’s funny, I started writing this last year, not long after Grandma left us. I couldn’t go to her funeral, but I did send time thinking about all of the great, ridiculous, not so great, and just regular day-to-day moments we spent together. I treasure them all, even though some of them still make me mad, or sad, or cringe with embarrassment. I treasure them all because life is a path of collective moments that are all related in some way or another, and the happy, fun, and meaningful ones are the ones that I will remember well enough to pass along to my own children. Christmas was Grandma’s special time, and I hope that she is having a very happy one wherever she is right now, hanging out with all her beloved sisters and brothers, and watching over us all. Merry Christmas Grandma!

Being a Greener Family

Ever since the president (ugh) decided that global warming isn’t an issue and that we all shouldn’t care about how our planet is heading for an imminent demise I have seen an influx of articles and questions online about what we can do as individuals to help avert ecological disasters. Obviously, as the country is not going to do anything to help, we all need to band together and do our best as individuals to do something. We can’t stop mass industrialization or the burning of fossil fuels worldwide, but we can help reduce the need for them, and pollution at the same time. The main argument that I have seen thrown around is “stop reproducing”, but I’m too late for that one. And I also think that not having kids and then doing nothing else doesn’t make you master ecologist anyway. For a long time I have tried to work towards being greener, and now as a family we do work hard at it. Hopefully our children will grow up just doing all of these things naturally. Living in NYC made it a bit easier, but ever since we have been living in California we have made an even more conscious effort to live a more sustainable life.

So I have come up with a list of things that we do and we don’t do and am totally open to suggestions on how we can improve our lifestyle even more!

Vegetarian family: we are all vegetarian except for Cesar, but as I don’t cook meat at home and we rarely buy it for him (a roasted chicken now and again), he usually just eats meat at work (mainly chicken, red meat maybe once a week at the most). As I have been a vegetarian for over 20 years, and because I can’t stand meat or fish anyway, I usually don’t even bother using meat replacements. Unless I want to make something that will fulfill all tastes, like a shepherd’s pie or picadillo tacos, or chicken style nuggets and fries (but I don’t like anything that actually tastes meaty). I do get some people questioning our raising the girls vegetarian, but if they want to eat meat later, they can. I’m just not cooking or buying it. I have thought about going vegan, but instead am going to move towards buying milk, eggs and cheese from local farms rather than mass produced products. It’s hard to do that on a budget though.

No car: we don’t own a car, and we don’t plan on owning one just yet. Living in NYC this was EASY, as we just relied on public transport and our feet, and we could easily do our weekly grocery shop with a cart. Here in California we DO rely on my mother and her truck, as well as Uber every so often. We tend to all do our weekly or bi-weekly grocery shop together and try to combine trips together so that we can coordinate everything. Cesar goes to work on his bike and the Light Rail. This does up his commute time by about 40 minutes, but it’s also much more economical and ecological. I just wish the public transport systems on the west coast were as good as those on the east coast… We are hoping to move downtown very soon, so this will eliminate any further need for a car for a while. This does mean that we don’t go out on road trips or to the ocean much, which I miss.

Thrifting: 98% of all of our clothes and furniture nowadays come from thrift stores. It allows us to dress the girls in all kinds of clothes without breaking the bank, and it means that we are constantly recycling clothes, furniture and household stuff. Cesar is great at “fixing” things and recreating one thing out of another, so we have accumulated some really cool and original things over the past few years. I’ve also managed to have enough clothes for the new baby’s first year for less than $50 which is wonderful!

AC and heating: AC doesn’t come on until absolutely necessary, same with the heating. The thrift store is a great place for extra sweaters and thermals, and it’s never THAT cold here (although the heat can get unbearable, especially when you are a million years pregnant).

Breastfeeding: my children are all boob monsters (and I’m assuming that the last one will be too), and they never took a bottle or a pacifier, which I sometimes regretted when I really needed a break, but is really a blessing in disguise. No extra cleaning, no breast pads as I am very lucky and do not leak, no need to buy cans of formula either. This isn’t something everyone can do though, but it helps us keep costs and waste down.

Reusable bottles: we drink a lot of water in this house, and we all have our own reusable water bottles (kids included), that get washed/rinsed and reused every day. I can’t even stand to think how many one-use plastic water bottles get trashed every single day in this country… We are lucky to have tap water that is for the most part drinkable (or at least filters that we can use), so why not make the most of it?

Food shopping: I try to be as efficient as possible and not waste food. We have lived on a budget for a long time, and it makes me so sad to see all the food wasted in this country, and just dumped in the garbage. It’s a work in progress though, I would love to eliminate palm oil completely from our life, as well as as much packaging as possible. Bags have to be purchased from grocery stores here in California, so we use reusable ones.

Fast food: barely ever a recourse for us. We may order Thai for delivery once in a blue moon, but fast food in general is something we don’t really do. It’s not like any of them make a proper veggie burger anyway, so there isn’t much we can eat. And if Cesar is going to have a burger he would much rather have a proper one.

Water: we HAVE to conserve water as much as possible because of the drought, and even though California has had a lot of rain this season, it’s still important to be careful. Short showers, shared baths, no watering the yard and all that.

Recycling in general: we recycle as much as we can (although I am sure we could do better). I do love my books, but nowadays I only purchase the ones that I really want to own, and borrow the others, and I do use quite a bit of paper with my writing and work, so I try to at least buy recycled paper from a sustainable source.

On the other hand there are areas where I failed really badly and I regret it! Such as cloth diapering, which I wish I had invested in before I had Luna. It would have been a hassle as we didn’t have laundry in our apartment building at the time, but the amount of waste that comes with disposable diapers is insane. Same with baby wipes, they may be convenient, but even the ones that are considered “green” aren’t really. Same with feminine hygiene products too. Granted that hasn’t been much of an issue for the past 4 years, but it will be at some point, so I should start thinking of alternative options. I would like to not count on Amazon deliveries as much as I do (although I do try to group everything together as much as I can into bi-weekly deliveries), but sometimes it’s hard to get to the store with no car, two toddlers and a partner who works long hours. Again, in NYC that wasn’t an issue, but here it is as not everything can be walked to. I would love to buy all of our milk, cheese and eggs from local farms, and while I do get some from the farmers market now and again I need to make it a more regular practice. To be honest, it’s hard to do that when you have a limited food budget. I’m honestly not ready to go vegan, and while I have cut my cheese consumption in half, and really don’t drink that much milk at all, we still do. I really should also stop drying clothes in the dryer and use a washing line too… And I could say that we don’t travel much, but to be honest that’s more of a monetary and time off work issue rather than an ecological must!

What I would really, really love is to live on the coast of Mexico in a sustainable home that Cesar and I would build ourselves and mainly live off our own land in terms of vegetables, milk, cheese and eggs. Day by day we are getting a little closer to this dream! And in the meantime I would love learn from others on how to be more sustainable when on a major budget. And yes, we have finished reproducing after this one!             

The Light at the End of the Tunnel and All That...

There are so many little cliches that we throw around like "there is always light at the end of the tunnel", or "look on the bright side", "death is not the answer", or even "things change!", but they kind of sound hollow nowadays. I see so much speculation on the whys of suicide, but I don't think it's a question anyon can answer, and I also think that comfort lies in being able to leave that question well alone. I have lived with this personal story for nearly three quarters of my life now, and learning to accept the unacceptable became the way for me to also accept that I have the right to be happy. If you are triggered by stories of parental suicide or just suicide in general, don't read any further please.

I've spent nearly 30 years of my life wondering why. I've spent some days contemplating it myself, but then realizing that I'm not sure I want things to end just yet. I've seen the rising sun through the bottom of a whiskey or vodka bottle many a time, but there has always been something that keeps me going until the next sunset and sunrise after that. Nothing has ever seemed so bleak that complete darkness takes over the glimmer of hope.

I've spent more time wondering why, and feeling guilty. See, when you are a child and one of your parents decides that they can't go on, it kind of messes you up mentally for a long, long time. You start off going through all the usual stages of guilt, coupled with a lot of incomprehension, and then, as you stumble along in your young life you start to wonder what you did wrong. Were you not good enough? Was your presence not enough to stave off the darkness? Was there something you could have done??

I would look at my friends and wonder what it was like to have a father. I'd feel uncomfortable talking to my friends’ fathers sometimes as they just seemed so alien, something I would never have again. I spent my teens feeling anger and hurt, hurt and angry, thinking that somewhere along the line it was my fault. Even though rationally I knew it wasn't.

I cherish certain memories, such as feeding the ducks in the park, going up to Sunderland surrounded by punks and getting my ears pierced back stage, listening to music, Christmas at Nana's, having a "cool" dad. I don't cherish other memories, but I still remember the drugs, the anger, and the sadness. There was a darkness behind those tinted glasses that would sometimes cloud over those sad eyes, a distance that not even a cherished child could breach. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it was for my mother to tell her little girls that their father had died.

It took me a long time to realize that sometimes there is no choice. That sometimes the end arrives sooner than we would want it to but already much later than he or she wanted it to happen. Sometimes life IS too hard. And it's not up to us to judge or to speculate or even to demand a reason why. I know that acceptance seems to be impossible, but in order to move on it has to happen. It took me many years to accept my father’s death, but once I did, I also began to accept myself a lot more too. It wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t even his fault, it was a choice and he consciously made the choice at that time in his life. Yes, he suffered from mental illness and addiction, but that didn’t make it any easier, it just made it a little easier to understand. But only when I had also lived through my own pain, depression, and love for going off the deep end.

It took me a long time to realize that not everyone has the will to live constantly. Some people plan their moment for years; others just do it on the spur of the moment. Some have a reason we can understand, some don't. Suicide hurts and continues to hurt for lifetimes, and there is nothing to lessen the pain for those who are left behind. It does get easier over time and the question "how did your father die?" does get easier to answer over time, but the pain doesn't really go away, it just dims somewhat.

But, after a while, as you grow older and experience more in life, juggling your own spouts of depression, you start to understand. No, you never understand why your father left you, but you do start to understand the reasoning behind his suicide. And that not everyone's strength is your strength. My strength is to always fight through and choose life, but I can't expect that to be everyone else's. Pain is felt in so many different ways, and feelings and emotions can sometimes be so overwhelming that there is no easy exit into dry land. Anxiety can turn you into a completely different person. The drugs you are prescribed may stop working or never work. You may not have the medical insurance or the right doctor to receive the right medication for your needs. There is no stronger or better or easier way. We are all human and sometimes there is just no answer.

Telling people that suicide is selfish is a selfish act in itself. Not trying to understand someone else's pain and suffering is selfish. Speculating on how it happened to fulfill some morbid need for entertainment is also selfish. Digging up someone's whole life publicly to try to understand a death is selfish too... I could go on. Yes, we want to understand, that's natural, but sometimes there is nothing to understand. Death is shit, whether it is intentional or not.

Too many of my teen idols have dropped away from this world now, suicide or drugs, and it just makes me so sad, sad that some of them have left kids behind, sad that their immense talent is no more, sad that it had to be this way. I will always miss my father and I will always wonder what I could have done, but I hope that in the end I turned out a little less judgmental and a little more understand than some of my peers. Mental illness comes in all shapes and forms and for some people there is no light guiding them through. When I learnt of Chris Cornell's death the other day I could only just hug my kids a little harder and send my love to his family. He was a wonderful, talented man and the world is just a little bit less bright without him. But I don’t honestly want to know the details of his death, it’s none of my business, and I just hope that his family gets the answers they need to process their grief in their own way. And just so that nobody forgets: when someone ends their life it doesn’t mean that they didn’t care about those around them anymore, but probably because they cared too much.

If you ever feel like you need help but don't know who to talk to there are some amazing organisations out there who will do everything to get you what you need. This piece was in no shape or form condoning suicide, but a personal view on how to deal with the suicide of a lost one. There really is nothing glamorous about death and there are many ways to find help out there, starting with the ASFP, IASP and The Samaritans.

Halloween Gallery by Alison Toon

It's no secret - I love Halloween. I love how the traditions go back centuries, originating in Celtic times and turning into a fun, albeit pretty commercial, day of celebration in today's world. I've always loved to dress up, and now, with a family, it's a million times more fun. I left my camera at home for once and let my wonderfully talented mother take shots of us as we walked around the neighbourhood, trick or treating with the kids. Here are a few of the beautiful pictures that she took of us!

(If anyone in the Sacramento area is interested in getting some family, group or band shots done before the holidays she has a few openings available over the next month. You can find out more information on her blog here (complete with easy booking tool), and look at her work on her website here.)

I will have a collection of Autumn photos up before the end of November, but I'm a little behind on just about everything so you will have to bear with me on that! I'm going to try to catch up on all the blog posts that I have been working on over the past month this week. 

Ramblings: Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!!

2015 has been a huge whirlwind for all of us, from beginning to end. The first 8 plus months were taken up with me being pregnant while both working at home and making sure Luna was also getting everything she needed and wanted, and with Cesar working around the clock and then not, and then around the clock again. The last months were even more turbulent with the arrival of our little Aurora, and the beginning of even stronger hurricane tendencies within our little toddler. And mainly it has been a year of adapting, adapting to new routines and new dynamics, and realizing just how amazing love is, how it grows and overwhelms and really is unconditional.

It’s also been a year when we have seen where our limits lay, and have had to start making choices based on the well-being of our family rather than individual preferences. While 2015 was a whirlwind and incredible year, I hope that 2016 will be calmer, where we can focus on creating a home and relaxing in a new environment. It wasn’t an easy choice, but we will be moving to California at the end of January. I will write more about all of that next week when I have a little bit more time and energy! The holidays and decision making and planning and infant sleep regressions have really taken it out of me these past few weeks.

While we had a pretty amazing 2015, there was also sadness that only the loss of life can bring. Friends aren’t supposed to die. At least we can say that George definitely lives on in the imprint he left on so many hearts. Some people go through life never realizing how much of a positive impact they leave on others, and we can safely say that it remains, even after death. But still, friends aren’t meant to die. I have lost too many within the last three years and would like that to stop now please.

Some of my close family and friends had a very, very tough 2015, laced with depression, tough decisions and illness. Watching, from afar unfortunately, a teenager who I have known since he was teeny tiny and my California family go through a cancer diagnosis, intense chemo, surgery and finally the much longed for remission status, enforced that knowledge within me that we should always LIVE our lives. You never know what is around the corner, just as you never know what someone else is going through. Live, love and treat others as you would want to be treated. It sounds simple, but it often takes a huge effort to jump into the unknown and take a chance. And cancer in kids is just wrong. Horrific and terrifying and wrong.

We are constantly learning, about the world, about ourselves and about others, and I don’t ever want to be in a place where I stop doing that. So here we are, starting out 2016 with a new adventure and I am looking forward to seeing what it brings!

Here are some of my personal favourite posts from the past year, and if you want to check back on something that I may have written before, I have added an Archive page as well as a search bar in my About page.

• Pregnant again!
• Nostalgia and my 18 year old self
• My favourite live music experiences
• Luna turned 1!
• Reminiscing about Sassenage, the village in the mountains
• 10 years in NYC
• Those little fears...
• Missing film photography
• Of internet comment rabbit holes
• Adapting all over again
• Aurora Vivienne's Birth Story
• Readjusting the Harmony
• Lets talk about Postpartum Depression
• Short Story: Here and There
• Photography: Capturing the Everyday

Ramblings: Merry Christmas!

Everyone deserves a real family Christmas, akin to one spent as a child. We all have our own personal memories of Christmas, ones that we often pull through adulthood with us, nostalgia of more innocent days and memories of fun times trailing along with the tinsel every year. I wrote about some of mine in last year’s Christmas post. But I do think it is important to have some less than spectacular Christmases, in order to really appreciate those that are special. It will always be my favourite time of year, and nowadays, with two little girls and a partner in crime by my side, it has taken on an extra special kind of merriness and magic. After so many years of not being able to be near my family at Christmas and trying to recreate a semblance of it here it feels really good to not be constantly searching for that special Christmas feeling anymore. It’s there, the moment that December rings its opening bells and Cesar brings the Christmas tree home.

The last two Christmases I was pregnant… We actually only discovered I was pregnant with Aurora on Boxing Day morning, but I already knew deep down that I was carrying another child. So this past year has been a little bit of a whirlwind really! It’s as if half of the year was taken up by being pregnant, and the other half by learning to adapt to a growing family in the same apartment that we learnt to live together as three (or four, including Joey Ramone our incredibly patient and gentle cat). This Christmas we will cook and watch the girls unwrap presents (well, watch Luna destroy wrapping paper with glee), and spend time together, time that we don’t get enough of nowadays. There will be a mix of Mexican and British Christmas music playing on a loop, many movies watched and plenty of food eaten.

We have so much to do before Thursday, and most of that will need to be crammed into one day. Sunnyside for mince pies, chocolate, crisps, Bisto, HP sauce and bread, as well as a lovely Christmas cheer on the streets, Christmas presents for the kids and food shopping for the list of things that we are planning to make on both the 24th and the 25th. It’s supposed to be unseasonably warm on Friday so a good brisk walk won’t be out of the question, and Luna will be able to show off her pretty Christmas outfit. And I am planning on eating everything in sight because once the holidays are over I will need to start thinking about getting rid of this pregnancy weight that doesn’t seem to want to budge by itself (I guess naturally slim doesn’t always mean naturally slim after two pregnancies in less than two years). I’m planning on making oat roast, roast potatoes, roast veggies (Brussels, parsnips and carrots), steamed veggies, Yorkshire pudding, veggie stuffing (my mother used to always make me stuffing and roast it outside of the turkey), and Cesar will be making a roast beef. And of course, Bisto gravy! For dessert, mince pies and an assortment of pies and chocolate (not making any of that though, I don’t have the energy and we don’t have the kitchen space for endless baking unfortunately). Maybe some freshly baked croissants and scrambled eggs in the morning? On Christmas Eve we shall be making pot pies and mashed potatoes, and maybe Cesar can find some tamales on the way home from work… My mouth is watering even thinking about it! A vegetarian Christmas is super easy to create (although Cesar eats meat, everything else is cooked for the vegetarian in the house, so that I don’t miss out), and seeing as the kids will most likely both be vegetarian until they choose otherwise, it’s great that I can pass the traditions that my mum passed on to me on to them (if that makes sense).

We have already made our annual trips to the tree in Rockefeller Center and Santa (at the mall), and it was lovely to walk around the city, even though it was so warm it felt like we were in October, not December! Luna wasn’t interested in sitting on Santa’s lap, she actually used her banshee scream to let us know that she didn’t like him, but it did make for another hilarious goth Santa photo, especially with little Aurora sitting in the middle, all calm and smiley. (And Santa really looked like he needed a double shot of whiskey; scratch that, the whole bottle!). Other than that I’ve not made much of an effort with Christmas cards and gifts this year as it’s been a tough end of year financially with having to move and all, but I shall hopefully get back on that next year and be a little better (then again, who am I kidding, I wrote but forgot to send a bunch of thank you cards after Luna’s birth and sent about 4 Christmas cards last year. For some reason I have become terrible at that and I really must try harder at being well-mannered!).

2016 is going to bring a lot of changes for us, some we already know about, and others that are sure to happen. I’m more than excited to take a step into the future and see what it has to bring us. We all need some changes, a spurt of new inspiration and drive, so I am looking forward to what we shall do with everything that life will hand us down the road in the next few months.  I have a lot of plans, and I know that Cesar has too, and it will be wonderful to see them to fruition together. (And maybe a few more date nights and nights out in the future?!).

In any case, thank you all for reading my blog, putting up with my ramblings and being a friend. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and a fantastic 2016 with much love, happiness and friendship!!

(And here is my YouTube Christmas playlist for your own viewing and listening pleasure!)

Photography: Capturing the Everyday

I’ve mentioned in a few posts lately that I have been meaning to get back into photography again. I’ve recently been looking through all my albums full of scanned film prints, all of the street art and street photography I have done over the years. Those feelings that you get when you capture that perfect image came flooding back, the same type of feelings that I get when I write something that makes my heart sing. I want to feel those emotions with photography again, and it really is as easy as making sure I take my camera with me wherever I go, which is what I always used to do.

Back in 2012 I saw that FujiFilm were releasing a new line of camera, the X line, and the whole concept appealed to me immediately. My favourite camera is still my completely manual SLR, a Canon AE-1 from 1978, and while I love how perfect and real a digital camera can render a photo, I also love the imperfections of film. Anyway, FujiFilm’s X line is basically a line of cameras that look like old-school SLRs with all the advanced digital technologies. They also have a film simulation option in several choices (colour or monochrome) so that your digital images look like film prints. Perfect for me, right? They aren’t cheap, hovering around the $1,000-1,500 mark, but I saved up and bought it in early 2013. And used it about 4 times. Granted, I had a lot going on, but I guess it was all for a reason as I recently pulled it out of my camera bag and started using it again, and to my delight it’s as good as I imagined it to be.

I’m so in love with this camera. Here is an album of shots taken over the past week. I need a lot more time and practice with it, but it’s already got its own little spot in the stroller and comes out with us wherever we go. I have some wonderful models too, although Luna tends to shy away from the camera these days, mainly because it makes her laugh. I suppose it makes for more interesting shots at times anyway. I’ve posted some of my favourites below, but you can check out the album on Flickr here. Our neighbourhood, our home, our friends, our life and things that catch my eyes while out and about. 

Ramblings: Moving Again...

Two years ago Cesar and I started our search for an apartment together where we would start to raise our family. It broke my heart to have to move from Bushwick after nearly seven years there, but there was really no way we could afford to pay the rents there with the way they were rising. It would have been doable if I hadn’t been pregnant with the intention of taking 3 months off work (and there is no paid maternity leave in the service industry… I was lucky that my job was being kept open). Anyway, I wrote about how we ended up in Flushing here. And it ended up for the best because I didn’t go back to my job and ended up working on building up my freelance writing career while being a stay at home mum with Luna.

I’ve grown to love Flushing tremendously. It took me a while, but now that we are really settled and have found “our” little places, like our two favourite diners, our bagel shop, our preferred supermarkets I’ve really started to consider our neighbourhood home. We’ve made friends at our different locations and I always stop in to different places for a quick chat when we are out and about. Through trial and error we found the best take-out places and I still have some Indian places to try out. I also love our apartment. It has been both Luna’s and Aurora’s first home, the place where Luna said her first word and took her first steps. The apartment is a good size, and while exorbitant for a 1 bedroom in most places in the US, very good rent-wise for NYC. It’s not all perfect, it’s an old building and we’ve had issues with cockroaches coming through the pipes and I’m sure there is a mould problem in one of the walls (even though the super assures me there isn’t). Our upstairs neighbours have no regard whatsoever for the fact that they live above someone and they sound like a herd of elephants screaming at each other 24/7. (Seeing as I can hear them screaming and throwing things at each other all the time I sometimes really wonder if I should call the cops, but I don’t want to be that annoying neighbour). I’m being serious though – I understand the sounds of their kid running around during the day and maybe early evening, but the stomping, screaming and throwing things after midnight? Not cool. Especially after he came to complain about our music at 4pm one day (it wasn’t even loud). Also I think he may be a little evil and treats his wife terribly. But anyway, apart from a few issues we have been perfectly happy here. We are on the first floor which is great for getting the stroller in and out of the apartment, especially with groceries, and our windows look out onto the courtyard so we don’t really get any street noise coming in. That also means that the apartment can be a little dark, especially in the winter which does bother me a little, but nothing a few well-placed lamps can’t fix.

So, anyway, our lovely neighbours moved away in the spring and the landlord spent about 3 months completely renovating their old apartment. Around the same time that they started showing it to prospective tenants (October) we received our lease renewal form. Our lease isn’t up until January 31st so I was a bit surprised and when I actually read it I thought I was having a nightmare, or at least in sudden need of glasses. They were raising the rent by over 40%!! Granted this place is great value but definitely not worth just under 2 grand. The apartment is old, the appliances are on their way to being ancient, the kitchen floor is peeling off and the bathtub is probably from when the apartments were first built. Our apartment is rent stabilized, but we have what is called a preferential rent agreement, where the landlord provides the “market rate” for the apartment and then halves it for this “preferential rate”. Now, if I hadn’t been 7 months pregnant and we weren’t in dire need of an apartment when we signed the lease I would have researched it a little better. I guess hindsight is a bitch sometimes, but anyway, moving on. According to certain information I found thanks to some of my and my friend Meg’s research, we could actually fight it, but neither Cesar nor I had the energy. (Something to keep in mind if you are presented with a preferential rent agreement in your lease).

So we decided that we were going to find a better place, maybe two rooms. There aren’t very many affordable places in NYC anymore… Cesar went to look at a couple of areas in the Bronx and we were pretty sure that was where we were heading, and we already knew we were going to have to pay more for anything we looked at. And there was the eternal issue of having to save enough to move… At least one month’s rent and one month security, which is fine if you aren’t living paycheck to paycheck, not so much when you are struggling. But then our building manager asked us if we would like to stay in the building as a few apartments were being vacated, would be gut renovated and then put on the market again for $300 more a month. My initial thought was “eff off!!”, but once we actually discussed it we realised that it would be cheaper than getting a new place elsewhere, because an extra $300 every month for a year would be equal or less than all of the initial moving costs!

So, in January we will be moving 4 floors up to a place full of light and no upstairs neighbours! I’m well aware that we are now going to become the annoying neighbours upstairs with stomping kids so we shall be putting rugs down in the hope that it will help somewhat! I’m excited – they have done a great job on the finished apartments… New electricity set up, new bathroom, new kitchen, new floors. I’m excited for the light and the view over this part of Flushing, and also for the little fire escape where we can start a little herb garden. And no need to change doctors and routines. It may be a little annoying trekking up and down 4 flights of stairs with 2 small kids but we will deal with that. I’m planning on locking the stroller under the stairs – I don’t see how it could be a problem as it won’t be a fire hazard or in the way. I’m looking forward to moving into a place that is going to be brand new and clean and light and bright! No need to scrub the bathtub and tiles with bleach just to see the black mould return within a few days. (I had a bit of a moment back when I was 38 weeks pregnant with Aurora and decided to scrub the entire bathroom with pure bleach. It wasn’t very smart).

So we are good for another year, but how much more feasible is living here anymore? When I weigh the pros and cons of moving elsewhere, like Northern California, the pros have begun to outweigh the cons. Yes, I wanted our kids to grow up in the city I have learnt to call home, but now it’s become more important to me that we can afford to rent a little house with a back garden and enough space for us all to have space. Room for Cesar to work on his construction stuff and artwork, room for me to work comfortably on my writing and room for the girls to run around and play freely. We would also love to adopt a dog. As I’ve said before, as long as we are altogether it doesn’t really matter where we are anymore. And I’m so used to missing places that it should make missing NYC easier! Loving living here hasn’t stopped me from missing France every single day.

So that’s where we are now. Moving and saving and making plans for the future. A lot has changed in less than 3 years! Still in our castle-like building for the next year, but who knows what will be home after that!

Ramblings: Readjusting the Harmony

Change, whether chosen or accidental is always going to come with a learning curve or an adaptation period. Sometimes longer or more difficult than other times, but at some point or other the change blends into normal life and you stop thinking about it, moving on and challenging the next change to rear its head. I hope that at some point in time this is how change will seem to Luna.

It's not been so difficult for me, I have just taken everything in my stride, but then again Cesar and I made the choice to have a second child so soon after the first. Luna did not choose to have a little sister demanding mummy and daddy time. And she has definitely made that known! But the way I see it is that while these first few months may be tough on everyone, they are only a small speck on a lifetime of love and friendship. A small speck that neither child will remember consciously. Luna will most likely not recall that her little sister wanted to eat all the time, and Aurora will hopefully not remember the times her big sister tried to throw things at her head.

Luna has never been an "easy" child. She is highly sensitive and demands attention. This doesn't mean that she isn't independent, quite the contrary, but she does need a lot of physical and mental attention. She still wakes up multiple times at night and needs to be near one of us to feel safe enough to go back to sleep again. She still fights naps and needs to nurse when she is tired or upset about something. Aurora on the other hand seems to love a calm environment, sleeps well, just cries when she is hungry or wants to be held and literally closes her eyes as soon as Luna starts screaming about something and shuts her out. I try not to laugh...

So, it hasn't been easy, but that was to be expected. Navigating the bedtime routine alone, bathing one after another and trying to get Aurora to sleep long enough for me to get Luna to sleep has been full of trial and errors. Dealing with nighttime waking when one is hungry and the other wants comfort isn't always easy. Blocking out Luna's high pitched screams while trying to get Aurora to sleep can be somewhat trying. But day by day we are getting there, figuring out solutions and little things that work better than others. We have figured out that Aurora actually likes the swing and will sit quite contentedly in it, even if she doesn’t fall asleep, so she goes in it when it’s time for Luna to nap and sleep. It helps that Luna and I can have that cuddle time together too! Everything affects Luna’s sleep, so if I can give her 30 uninterrupted minutes of my time before she nods off I know that she will sleep more calmly.

Luna kisses her little sister and then throws something at her two seconds later. She cuddles her and then tries to kick her... She's still learning herself so how can she really know that she is inflicting pain on her sister? How can she really know that her sister isn't like her doll? I used to pull the heads off my dolls while saying "head off!". Then one day I tried to do it to my baby sister... At 2 years old I had no idea my little sister's head wasn't going to come off just like my dolls did. So we just have to gently but sternly tell her "no", usually about 100 times a day. I'm sure at some point it will stick and there will be more kisses and cuddles and less tantrums and flying objects. We always have to remember that Luna is only 18 months old and is still learning how to communicate effectively.

Sometimes I feel like my body is being ripped in half, one half with one and the other with the other, and then all of a sudden we are all one, cuddled together on the couch or in bed, breathing in unison and feeling perfectly happy and safe. Sometimes I feel bad because I can't pick Luna up every time she wants something because I am feeding her sister. Other times I feel guilty because I can't carry Aurora around constantly like I did for the first 4 months of Luna's life. But mainly I feel so amazingly happy and in awe of these perfect little beings that Cesar and I created. Their beautiful little faces, the expressions on those faces whenever you look at them, the little kisses and the laughs and the first smiles and that huge, aching love that you feel constantly, the love that seems so wide and deep and fulfilling.

All those worries about spreading that love you have for one to two melt the moment your new child is placed on your chest, there is more than enough love to go around and around and around.

It's easier the second time around. Your body is used to the sleep deprivation and you don't stress about a million things anymore. It's also easier for us because Luna was a tough baby, hated sleeping and would fight every it at nap and bedtime. She still does. Both Cesar and I expected the same with Aurora, but she is more relaxed, calmer. Or maybe that's because we are just more relaxed and calmer? Who knows. It also helps that my recovery was a million times easier this time, no back aches or knee aches or extreme fatigue. No breastfeeding learning pains or completely sleepless nights. No stressing about the state of the apartment - it will get cleaned when we have time, in the meantime these little munchkins get all of my attention!

I have even managed to carve out some me and some us time which is quite miraculous, usually both babes are asleep by 9, sometimes 10, which leaves a few hours to work, cuddle, chat, read and watch movies. Or clean up or eat if necessary. It's lovely to have a few hours like that, when everything is peaceful and calm, little children sleeping and grownups just relaxing.

It's all perfect in its imperfections. I never thought I would love life as much as I do today.

Ramblings: 10 more weeks to go...

Luna is napping peacefully next to me, and while I know I should take advantage of it and nap too, I can't seem to switch my brain off today. I have a lot of work to do and could also be doing that while the house is peaceful, but instead I am just browsing through photos and thinking of friends and realizing that we only have 10 more weeks left of Luna being an only child. I want to make sure we do something special with her every week, something that we all enjoy as a family of three, before the insanity of being a family of four takes place. A few weeks ago we went to Queens Zoo in Flushing-Meadows Corona Park, which happens to only be a 30-45 minute walk from our house. The weather was perfect and the timing wonderful as we missed the school kids parties and had the entire zoo practically to ourselves. I finally got to see the Unisphere in person and we ended up taking a lot of pictures on the Holga, something I'm really excited about right now! (Although the place I took the photos to be developed at managed to completely botch the development. At least we got a few nice pictures, and found some old ones from Cesar, Henna and me on the beach in Sept 2013, when I was just a few months pregnant with Luna).

Luna seemed to enjoy everything, from the big cats to the beautiful tropical birds, and Cesar even took her on her first carousel ride, where she bravely sat on a horse and even ended up enjoying herself, squealing at the horses in front of her. We were all exhausted after a long day walking in the sun, but it was so worth it, just to be together, happy, watching Luna discover new things and adventures. I really wanted to brave the Bronx Zoo before it got too hot, but I think it will have to wait until later this year when Luna is a little older and I can walk around for hours without trying to jump into the water with the rest of the happy hippos. Yes, I feel huge. Belly-wise I‘m not really any bigger than I was with Luna, but all-over-wise I am definitely. I guess that comes with the territory of having back to back pregnancies, and if this is what my body needs to do to carry a healthy baby then so be it. And kickboxing lessons will be happening in the autumn ha!

Everything is actually going very, very well. I continue to have sonograms every 4 weeks to check up on the cyst and its growth, and for now it has remained exactly the same. Little baby weighs approximately 3.5 lbs, so right on target for 30 weeks, and has now turned into the vertex position, head down, which is one less thing to worry about. She is a big mover and loves to kick and pummel me all night! I however actually sleep better than I did when I was pregnant with Luna, maybe just because my body is so bone-tired anyway that it just doesn’t care if I have a body pillow or not, it just wants to sleep for 2 hours straight! I know this isn’t going to last much longer, as the days when I will need to roll myself out of bed are looming, so I am just making the most of it. Luna is having quite a few issues napping lately, so I’ve taken to napping with her in the afternoon, which really does seem to help both of our moods in general. And it’s so hot outside that our park visits have been relegated to the morning or the late afternoon, or on the days when I know I will have enough energy to run after her every time she tries to join a group of teenagers hanging out at the edge of the playground.

Anyway, I passed all the mid pregnancy tests again fine this time, no gestational diabetes, normal iron levels, still breastfeeding Luna, although to be honest it’s not as easy as it sounds when pregnant. It’s painful and can be slightly annoying, especially when she wants to nurse for ages at night due to teething. In the end it’s easier than forcing her to wean now when I will only be starting again in 10 weeks, so we might as well continue. At least I hope it will be a lot easier this time around with the new baby. We have finally started getting the little bits and pieces prepared for her. I have some of her own Aden & Anais blankets arriving this week (the best baby swaddles and blankets and can literally be used a million different ways), her little Rock n Play arrived today (we have no idea where she will want to sleep and I am not stressing about it like I did with Luna… Our bed is big enough to accommodate all of us and the cat if need be), and we chose her first outfit out too. Her name has as much meaning to us as Luna’s does, which will be obvious when we tell everyone. I love keeping that part a surprise. Now I just need to finish spring cleaning all of the closets and start packing away the little one’s first few months of clothes in the dresser, schedule a Salvation Army box pick-up for the amount of things we have to get rid of, and stock up on everything for those first few weeks post-partum.

Trying to find the time is a little difficult though! I haven’t posted much recently as I have been completely swamped with work (a good thing), but as I work from home around Luna it can often be a little tough making sure I get everything  done. And Cesar has recently taken on a second job, so we have both been juggling busy times with making time to just relax and all be together. You know, all of the general life things that most people go through! I hope we are able to have at least a week together when the baby arrives, but we may have to do some juggling there too. As long as we can make sure that Luna feels extra special during that time to make sure the transition goes as smoothly as possible. I think that’s my main worry!

It’s funny how I am less worried about making sure we have “all the stuff” this time around. As long as I have my sling to carry the baby around when I’m playing with Luna and somewhere for her to nap consistently then we are all set. Oh and a couple of big play mats for the floor so they can both hang out together (and hopefully Luna won’t try to feed her sister, or pull her head off or something along those lines!). In any case we have pretty much everything for another little girl, including a year’s worth of clothes!  I don’t think either of us have been kidding ourselves that it’s going to be easy, but I refuse to worry about it too. We both come from long lines of highly adaptable families, so I doubt we will have too much trouble adapting!

In any case, I should probably finish up and post this so that I can focus on my workload and making Luna and myself some kind of lunch that will most likely involve honeydew and cantaloupe melons (both of our favourite summer fruit). I will try to post a photo update within the next few days too! In the meantime, here is little baby munchkin number 2 at 30 weeks, punching me in the side. <3