Finally. This past winter dragged on and on and on and I never
thought it would actually start getting warmer and brighter and more
colourful outside. I woke up this morning and went for a walk around
Bushwick, taking random shots of tree blossom, flowers, new and old
street art and enjoyed feeling the warm sun on my face. I can't wait for
it to get even warmer and for all of the adventures I aim to go on over
the next six months... To be continued...
See full set of this mornings shots HERE (and link also above).
I
finally have that FujiFilm XE-1 camera that I have wanted for so
long... Bit the bullet and spent the money on it and I can't say that I
am disappointed at all! It really is like using an old manual SLR (a lot
like the Canon AE-1 film SLR that I have been using over the past few
years), with all of the additional DSLR settings that you could wish
for, including a "film simulation" setting, which produces photos that
look like they have been taken with a film SLR. It's kind of like the
best of both worlds for me, who still prefers to shoot film rather than
digital, but don't have the time to develop rolls of film anymore. Or
even the space really to store all of the prints I have.
The
only issue I found was that I randomly got a "lens control error" the
other day and couldn't take any photos anymore. I let the camera sit for
a day, removed the lens and put it back on, flipped all the switches
and dials, turned it into the fully manual mode, and the error message
disappeared. It appears that this is a regular issue with this model,
which is a little disappointing, but if you can't fix it yourself Fuji
will service it pretty fast for you. I am just glad I took out an extra
warranty on the camera, especially as it's not as sturdy as the Canon
Rebel.
Anyway... Here are some of the first pictures I
have taken on my new camera (see set below). I need to take it out more and play around
with it, and find the perfect settings, but for now I am pretty happy
with what it can do. I am still wondering if I should bring it with me
on my trip this weekend, or just take the Canon. I am worried that I
will get another lens error and be stuck taking photos on my iPhone all
weekend. I may just go with the trusty older camera and leave the new
one for other adventures.
I find that the beginning of each new year is usually a time
for reflection on my life, for some changes and also a time to relax a little
and think about what I want to accomplish over the rest of the year. 2012 was
an interesting year in terms of change and life in general and in a way I want to
continue along that route, pinpointing the issues that tend to bother me and
get rid of them for good, while at the same time focusing on the things that
make me, and others happy. Of course there are moments when I feel like I am
doing everything wrong, moments where I feel like I am a failure at everything,
as well as moments when I just want to give up and go and live somewhere else
away from everything. There are also moments when I feel like everything is
worth it, and there is no place better to live than where I live now.
I feel like I am finally miles away from all of the gossip
mongers that tend to be in any place that you live. People who spend their
lives talking about other people, deforming stories and passing them along,
just because they don’t know how to stop and focus on their own lives. I hear
snippets of things here and there, random stories that I supposedly told
someone else (how I wonder, seeing as I haven’t spoken to said people in well
over six months), but I have decided that there was a reason that I moved on
from all of that and decided to remove myself from it all, for better or for
worse. Nowadays it doesn’t hurt me as much as it used to, because I am
surrounded by people who really care about me and my well-being, as much as I care
about them and theirs.
Sometimes in life you spend a lot of time with a certain
person, and think that they will always be there for you, as much as you have
been there for them. This person will be the first person you call to tell good
or bad news to, the one who will answer your text at 5am when you are suffering
from insomnia and need a friendly ear to listen to you. This is the person who
you will pick up every time they fall down, even when you are tired of doing it
and wish that it was the other way round for once. But you continue to do it
because one day you know that it WILL be the other way round. Or so you think…
Sometimes that person decides that they don’t have the time or the energy to
help you. However painful that may seem at the time, in the long run it is all
for the better. At least you are now aware of the one-sidedness of your
relationship, and in the end, you are better off without this person in your
life. It gets easier, and honestly your life takes a turn for the better. I
feel lighter and happier nowadays. I’m not worried about that other person’s
mood swings or anger or happiness anymore.
Hmmm… I don’t really want to finish that last paragraph
anymore, as I started it last week and things have changed again. Yet another sign of how life can often surprise you, especially when
you think a certain part of your life has gone forever, it pops back up and
decides to give it another chance. We will see how things pan out in the long
run, but in the meantime I am putting all reflection on hold so that I can see
it with an open mind instead of being bogged down with past feelings of hurt
and anger and betrayal as well as nostalgia and memories. Maybe that’s a sign
of growing up (finally) – the ability to be able to forgive and move on and not
to just cut someone out of your life for once and for all. Although I have to
say, it doesn’t work with everyone. Some of the people I have cut out are never
coming back in, and that is just so much better that way!
I’ve now been living in Bushwick for 5 years and in New York
for nearly 8. Our landlords decided to raise our rent $250 this year, and
although I feel like the raise is extortionate, it’s still going to be less
than what most people are paying in this neighbourhood for the space and the
amenities that we have. We were able to negotiate a complete revamp of the
apartment (fixed windows, paint, bathroom regrout) and are staying another year
here… I don’t want to move, and in any case, how would I ever be able to sign a
lease nowadays with my credit as it is? I’m still not paying anywhere near as much
as I paid when I lived in that tiny studio in the West Village, and this
apartment feels like home. It’s also been incredible to see how the
neighbourhood has changed over the past 5 years. Who would have thought that
this quiet, not really very safe, area would become full of new buildings and
interesting restaurants and bars. I never have to fight with cab drivers to get
home anymore, and even more surprising, they actually know where my cross
streets are without sighing and getting out a GPS or asking for play by play
directions. This apartment feels like a home and looks like one. I couldn’t
even imagine having to pack everything up into boxes and moving out now – so I
suppose that means that I really have decided that New York is my home. As long
as I balance it out with more travel and less time spent wishing I were
elsewhere, I really don’t see myself moving to a different city or country
anymore.
Based on what an old (not anymore) friend told me via text message that
bartending was cool when you were 20, not so much when you are 34, I should
probably think about changing my line of work, but to be honest I’d rather not.
In my opinion, living is about being happy and content in what you do, and my
jobs make me feel happy. Maybe not the most mature of professions in some
people’s eyes - but then again, what is? Are you all of a sudden supposed to
remove all of your tattoos, put on a suit, stop having fun and do something
boring for a living just because you hit the age of 35? I was pondering on that
mean text message I received for a while, until one of my friends deleted it
from my phone as there was no point in thinking about it anymore. I’m happy at
work, and that’s the most important. Most days I come in with a smile. I am
given different types of responsibility, now have some managing shifts at one
job, and get to meet lots of interesting people (and many assholes too), and
make new friends all of the time. What better job is there for a writer? I have
enough material to write about for the rest of my life, and will continue to
accumulate said material every day. Lesson learned – don’t read into hateful
text messages that only contain a projection of the sender’s own life on your
own. As long as you like what you do and you aren’t hurting anybody, there is
no reason to feel like you are not living your life “properly”.
There has been so much good music released over the past few
months, and I feel excited to see what else is to come this year. The new Nick
Cave and the Bad Seeds album is epic (no surprise there), there is to be a new
Suede out soon, a new Yeah Yeah Yeahs album, a new BRMC album, as well as many
new bands that are right up my street. I need to start working on new playlists
for the bar as well as for myself. And I need to make an effort to go to more
shows again, starting with Knoxville Morning who will be playing at Mercury
Lounge this coming Friday. I’m sure they are just as brilliant live as they are
recorded. I have a pinboard above my desk where I stick notes of all new album
releases, book releases and gallery exhibitions in an attempt to be on top of
everything I want to do and see everything I want to do and see, but I’ve been
too lazy recently. I feel like it’s time to go back into hermit mode for a
while, finish off the pile of books that is growing by my bed, add to my poetry
collection, finish off this newest collection of short stories and get some
more photography collections together.
It smells like early Spring outside. I’m glad, as this
winter has been a tough one again. Not really so much weather-wise, although it
has been cold enough. For the second year in a row January and February have
been plagued with the death of people close to me and of people close to people
I know, and it just makes me really sad. I wanted to finish this piece of on a
positive note, but I’m honestly finding it hard to be super joyful and happy at
the moment. I think that all I can really say to this is that I need to keep
reminding myself to always let people know how much I care about them, and to
live life in a way that won’t lead me to regret too much along the way. Focus
on accomplishing everything I want to accomplish, and help others feel happy
with their lives too – that’s seems to be the most important take away from all
this sadness and grief.
Ah Spring… I am really looking forward to feeling your warm
sun on my face again!
