It’s hard to accept the fact that you are allowed to be
tired, that you are allowed to actually not really do anything all day except
for watch that TV series that everyone has been telling you to watch for the
past year. It’s hard for me, because most of the times in my life when I feel
this tired it’s entirely my fault (out partying, up all night writing,
stress-related insomnia), so I am so used to pushing myself through it that I
feel guilty just letting go and just being tired.
Yesterday I woke up at 3am and couldn’t get back to sleep
again for a lot of different reasons. I had to be up at 6am anyway due to an
early doctor’s appointment. So I waddled my 38 week pregnant belly to the
subway and went to the clinic in Fort Greene to get everything checked up. I
guess I am now the one nearest her due date so everyone is very excited for me
(they actually were all a lot more excited than I was, it took me enough energy
to muster the courage to keep my eyes open during the appointment). I could
give birth any day! I waddled back to the subway in the gorgeous sunshine,
trying not to burst into tears until I got home.
And then I did what I have never done before, I asked my
boss if she had anything important for me to do, because if not I was just
going to rest. And guess what?! She told me to rest! Yes, Jade… There IS a
reason you are working from home now, and this is because you are supposed to
be resting! So for 10 minutes I tried to work, but numbers and words kept
flying in front of my face and I couldn’t do anything correctly so I grabbed a
cup of tea and went to the couch. Where I stayed until just after 8pm. And from
the couch I graduated to the bed, and fell asleep, sleeping about 12 hours of
interrupted sleep until this morning. You can’t be too demanding – there is no
way on earth I can sleep more than 2 or 3 hours without having to get up. Bathroom
trips, water drinking breaks and of course, a cheesecake eating break at 3am
when C. got home. I still feel tired today, but more able to function. I think
this is the new golden rule… No fighting the fatigue or the sleep: naps and bed
whenever my body wants it.
So now the waiting game has begun. Any day now little
Munchie could decide that she wants this to be her birthday and she will start
making that journey towards daylight. While I would like her to wait until her
due date of April 1st, I have now accepted the fact that she might
want to come early, or that she might want to come late too. And that’s
absolutely fine. I think I am ready to cope. Everything is pretty much ready
(apart from all of her little baby clothes need to go to the laundry and I don’t
know why we are procrastinating about that); she has a bed and a bouncy chair
thing and blankets and clothes for every occasion and diapers and wipes and
even heart-shaped sunglasses to match her mummy. She also has a hopefully endless
supply of food that my body will provide for her (the alternative is not an
option right now, so I really, really hope everything will work properly). And,
so important, she has so much love waiting for her here, all that love that we
hope we have projected into my womb over the past 9 months, and much, much
more. So many people are waiting for her arrival and to finally meet her. Not
the least her parents of course!
To be honest I think I have had a wonderful pregnancy, and I
have been very lucky that up until a few weeks ago I really didn’t feel
uncomfortable or too heavy. I’m not super huge, my weight gain stabilized in
the third trimester (so much that I have actually lost a few pounds even though
Munchie has gained quite a few); I’ve had a few aches and pains but nothing
major. My feet only started swelling this week, after I started to work from
home (so now I need to go for little walks every few hours so as not to sit at
the table all day without really moving). I just recently had to develop an
elaborate roll to get out of bed and that can only be done in at least 3 steps,
and I don’t remember what it was like to jump out of bed in a spritely manner!
Actually, I don’t remember what “normal” feels like anymore. What actually WAS “normal”?? I don’t really think I care, because that “normal” has gone, and
will be replaced by another “normal”, one that I am more than ready to embrace.
My main issue other than not being able to walk fast anymore (and I mean SLOW),
is a burning pain I began to feel last month at the top of my belly on one
side, that has now graduated towards the other side too. I realised that it’s
basically from the skin stretching so much, but it wasn’t until I did some
research on the web last night and read people describing it as just like a
sunburn, without the redness (and without the sun, because that big golden orb
has been on another planet for the past 3 months). Aloe Vera! Luckily I always have
a big bottle of aloe in the cupboard as I spend enough time on the beach in the
summer, and it really helps relive the soreness! Better than any other lotion
that I have already tried. Who would have known that all you really need
(outside of a good doctor or midwife) is a large bottle of aloe, a large bottle
of Tums, a comfy body pillow and a healthy diet to get through these 9 (I mean
10) months? And yes, my iron level is STILL normal, even though I was anemic as
a teen and I am a vegetarian. I guess I did something right by listening to my
body.
And I will continue listening to my body after Munchie is
born. I’m not too worried about losing the extra weight immediately – it will
happen naturally. My body has never been one to put on weight too fast, and if
I make sure I get enough exercise I will be fine. I’m honestly looking forward
to evening runs in Flushing, and using them to discover new places to go and
new parks to take Munchie to in the summer.
Oh summer… I am looking forward to you. Showing my little
daughter all of the things that I love about life: sunsets on the beach, waves,
walking barefoot in the sand, listening to The Cure while dancing in the living
room (not just for summer of course), and reading on a warm park bench under
the trees… So much to be excited about!!! In the meantime I will continue to
wait at home, not feel guilty about resting anymore, and watch as our cat
follows me everywhere I go, just so that he knows that I am OK. Maybe the next
post will be one with newborn pictures, or maybe it won’t – now that I am at
home I have a little more time and energy to devote to catching up on writing.
I say “a little” because a lot of that energy is put into making sure I am
happy with how our apartment is set up. And catching up on TV shows. And
thinking about making food, and then ordering salads from the delicious diner
down the street.
That said, does anyone know where there is a regular
supermarket in Flushing? One that isn’t Chinese and that sells an array of
Western goods? I was so excited that we had a supermarket within walking
distance, but it really doesn’t have a good selection of non-Chinese goods, and
I need a little more for my palate!
(On a side note we are EXTREMELY grateful to everyone who
has helped us out and given us gifts over the past few months. This alone
deserves its own blog post and everyone will receive their own personal thanks,
I promise, I am just a little slow at getting round to doing things these days.
Without you all we would be having a much harder time getting through this, and
the amount of love that we feel around us is extraordinary!). <3>
Memorial Day weekend always reminds me of moving to NYC –
the heat, the humidity, the laziness of the first holiday of the year since New
Year’s Day in the middle of the bustle and noise of everyday life. Subsequent
years bore beach days and hungover days; brunch times and walks in the city; Long Island days and barbeques in Bushwick.
Every year I longed for Memorial Day weekend to arrive so that I could
celebrate the beginning of summer, my real favourite season in NYC. This year
it crept up on me, my first Memorial Day as a family: a day where no one needed
to work, a day to spend together as we see fit, no plans, just mother, father
and baby time. 
Nowadays it’s really just the simple things that matter: a
walk in the park, watching the turtles watching you with their little heads
sticking out of the water, looking at the squirrel scampering away with the
acorn in its mouth, relaxing on a blanket under a tree and closing your eyes.
Choosing a pretty spring outfit for yourself and your daughter, knowing full
well that she doesn’t care if you are in a dress or pyjamas, or if she is in a
onesie or a dress, but doing it anyway because it is fun and because you can. Walking
along the sidewalk as a unit, mother, father, daughter, altogether as one,
making jokes and gazing at the pretty houses and gardens, imagining together
what our next home and garden will look like. Tickling your child under the
chin with a blade of grass and listening to her laugh and hoping that you will
hear that beautiful sound every day, forever.
Flushing ended up being a good choice for us, because
despite the commute into Manhattan, it really is beautiful here. There are
parks and gardens and trees and flowers everywhere and a happy alternative to
the race of the city and all that it entails. As I was walking around the
neighbourhood yesterday I realised just how much every single priority had
changed for the better. A walk in the park is just so much more enjoyable now,
as are all of those little things that we take for granted most of the time,
the turtles and the squirrels and the naps in the grass, the smell of concrete
after a rain shower, and the lilac bushes in bloom on the street corners. I
guess this is what my real happiness is… 
