I took my website down in August because I couldn’t afford to keep it running. We couldn’t afford much this year to be honest, and I didn’t really have much time to write about books or anything else for that matter. A lot of 2022 has been spent hustling to make ends meet, and I have spent too much time worrying about money, and making sure everyone around me is happy, and healthy, and not worrying about money. Burnout is real, and it takes its toll, and I know so many people around me who are feeling the same. Sometimes merely existing takes so much effort, that actually doing any more than that can seem like an insurmountable task. That said, burnout and financial woes and struggles are also really boring to think about, let alone write about. I will leave that to my handwritten journal (which unfortunately has also been collecting dust as of late). So instead of writing about all of the boring things in life, I have decided to focus on all the good and the special and the wonderful of the year: the smiles and the hugs and the belly laughs, the special feeling of sand under your toes while the seagulls squawk in the morning light, the accomplishments and those random moments where everything comes together and your heart soars suddenly, a deep breath followed by the knowledge that everything will actually be OK. These are the moments that are the most important, and they make all the shitty moments a lot more bearable. 

Back at the end of 2019 my mother bought tickets for me to take the kids to visit her in England during the summer of 2020. Obviously that plan fell apart as soon as we went into lockdown, and we ended up having to wait until two years later to take that flight. We took two trains from Sacramento to SFO, landed at Heathrow where my mother met us, and then took three more trains to Cromer in Norfolk. I was (and still am) amazed at how wonderful the children were traveling so far for the first time. Well the first time that they remember seeing as the girls flew from NYC to Sacramento when they were still tiny. The three weeks we spent in Norfolk were just wonderful: I saw my sister for the first time in 5 years, my brother and his girlfriend joined us, and so many family members and friends came to spend time with us, some driving for hours across the country. The kids spent their days playing in the sand and the waves, looking for crabs and shells and lobsters in endless rockpools, and I spent time relaxing and remembering why I loved my country of birth so much. All in all it was just magical (and I promised the kids that next time we do this we will fly from Sacramento and take two flights rather than the two trains to and from SFO). It wasn’t much of a surprise that we all tested positive for Covid within 3 days of landing, and despite the fact that I was sicker than I can ever remember being and am still not 100% months later, it was still more than worth it. I don’t know when we will be able to do it again, but it makes me so happy that the kids were able to learn about where I was born, and also spend time with family members. Living far, far away from family can really take its toll (even without Covid making it even harder), so these moments are so very precious. Also, English sweets are still a million times better than US ones AND I miss sweet shops. And nothing beats watching the kids laugh their heads off while feeding the seagulls leftover chips on the beach at sunset. I’m so grateful for my mother for not only making this trip possible, for making our stay so fantastic, but also for always being present, no matter how far away we may be. 

While that was the main highlight of 2022, there were others: I completed 25 units of classes, bringing me very close to graduating with an AS in general science, and nearly done with my nursing prerequisites. I have a few more classes to complete next semester, and then I will be applying for nursing programs, and also working on building the little business that Cesar and I started called Mad Kitchen. We have been creating custom and handmade aprons for professional kitchens, and you will most likely see at least one Mad Kitchen apron in any Sacramento restaurant kitchen at any time at this point. Teaching myself to sew during lockdown in 2020 is one thing I am so proud of myself for, not just for Mad Kitchen, but also because it has allowed me to expand my creativity, and to recycle and upcycle clothing, mend things, and show my kids that they can be creative in many different ways. But I’m awful at marketing and selling, and we also need to work on actually making the business more financially viable. So it is definitely a work in progress at this point. 

2022 was also the year that I finally felt somewhat at home in Sacramento. It’s taken me a long time to find my footing in this city, but I have found myself more and more content here, this small city with its quirks, too hot in the summer, lacking in a really robust public transport system (but it does have one that works well enough for me), home to some wonderful people I consider my friends, and a place where my children are able to live a stable life, growing up alongside friends they have known since preschool. There are many special things about the city, usually small things that you don’t notice at first glance: every street downtown and midtown is lined with many trees, housing a multitude of birds and animals, providing much needed shade in the summer, and piles of leaves to jump through in the autumn. There are accessible food banks and food pantries all around where you can access food, no questions asked, and there is a sense of community that you can easily find if you ask around. There are some lovely family-owned book stores and restaurants and other little businesses, and an amazing library with an entire basement floor dedicated to children. There are parks and places to walk and bike, and an old town that is minutes from our apartment. Rents are too high and the cost of living in California is way too much, and the city still caters towards large corporations and businesses, leaving over 20,000 people living on the streets in tents, cars, and just sleeping bags, shivering in the cold, and no one seems to be able to actually have a workable solution in hand that will actually help people more than a night at a time. But it has become home to me, and I love walking along the streets, listening to music and watching the world go by. It’s important for my mental health to feel like I can belong somewhere, and somehow I suddenly feel like I may belong here. It will never be my NYC, but my NYC will always exist in my heart, my dreams, and my writing. I like this calmer, gentler, smaller home. I still fall asleep with city noises in my ears, but the noise is not constant anymore, there is more time to breathe a little. 

I was walking in the rain this morning, listening to one of my favorite playlists, and I realized that this year has been less about nostalgia for me, and more about the present, and making the present count as much as I can. I am so lucky: I have a wonderful partner, adorable children, and a whole extended family that are always there for me, even if some of us live far apart (and a special mention to my brother who is consistently amazing, and it’s thanks to him that I am able to get to my campus as often as I need to). I have maintained my sobriety for nearly 10 years now, and that in itself is a major feat, and one that I know now that I am capable of maintaining for the rest of my life.

My intent is 2023 is to focus on the special, the important, and work harder at making this world a better place for us all.