I took these photos capturing some artwork in the streets around where we live.

We have taken the shelter in place mandate in Sacramento very seriously, with only one of us leaving the house when absolutely necessary and the kids staying at home at all times. Everything is wiped down constantly, sanitized, washed, and still, three days ago I woke up feeling strange, achy all over, and headachy. That night it felt like something was pushing down on my chest, and the feeling hadn’t passed by the following morning so I called my doctor. She screened me over the phone and said to assume I had contracted COVID-19 and to self-isolate in my home, to self-monitor my symptoms and to go to the ER if my breathing became difficult, if I developed a bad cough and a fever. Self-isolation from others (apart from my immediate family) isn’t difficult as it’s basically what we have been doing as a family anyway, and with the lack of tests available I already knew what the doctor would say before I even called. I just wanted someone outside of my family, a medical professional, to know what I was feeling. I hope that my children and my partner don’t get sick, or if they do it is only mild… I am lucky that myself and the kids are covered by Medi-Cal, but my partner has been temporarily laid off from his jobs, and with that his health insurance is temporarily suspended too. This is the case with millions of people all over this country right now. As with most catastrophes (natural or man-made), this pandemic hits those of us who don’t have the cushions necessary to enable us  to sit back and watch it unroll from the safety net that wealth and security provide. 

We all knew what was wrong with this country way before the pandemic developed, but the virus really has made these issues so much more visible. But still, those in power continue to pretend that this is the greatest country in the world, and that power and wealth matter more than human life and safety. The number of coronavirus cases in the US has now bypassed the numbers in China, and we are nowhere near peaking. Nowhere near it. In addition to all of the reported cases around the country you can only imagine how many people are self-isolating in their houses with mild to moderate symptoms, like I am, knowing they have the virus, but who are not given access to tests because they aren’t available. Add to that the seriously ridiculous amount of people who are still not taking this seriously, hanging out playing ball games in the park together, congregating in public areas, unable to get past their own thoughts of “I don’t care if I get sick” or “it’s not going to happen to me I’m young”. I bet many of these people are walking virus carriers, transmitting the illness to those around them, to me, to you, to those more vulnerable in their households. 

Last weekend, when I was still feeling normal, apart from the tight feeling of anxiety that had become my norm, I went out to get a few necessary supplies. I got so angry when I saw a bunch of people playing their usual Saturday morning basketball game, sweating all over each other as if it were a normal Saturday, not in the middle of a pandemic where people are dropping like flies. And this wasn’t an abnormal sighting - all over the country people have been getting together despite the mandates and the warnings. I am more than sure that the current number of confirmed cases in the US is only half or even a third of what the actual numbers are.

The whole point of these lockdowns and shelter in place mandates now is not to stop the virus from spreading, we are way beyond that, but to stop it from spreading like wildfire, crippling the entire healthcare system, causing medical professionals to make choices no one wants to make, and also causing these medical professionals to risk their own lives saving others. It really isn’t hard to stay 6 ft away from another person outside, to choose less popular areas to go for a quick walk, or really just to stay home. Go for a jog around the block rather than the park, I don’t know, just stay away from each other! Wash your hands, wipe down areas frequently, cough in a tissue or your arm… Last week when I was standing in line at Rite Aid, where the employees had helpfully taped lines 6 ft apart, a man barrelled into me, in a way that even in non pandemic times would have freaked me out. I know that sometimes it’s hard to always be aware of our surroundings, but at this point in time it’s impossible to not be aware of what is going on. We even received a (ridiculous) mailer from the “president” telling us how to protect ourselves and others in this time. So stay the fuck away from each other!!!

That mailer made me laugh bitterly and I’m keeping it for future reference: this country had ample amount of time to prepare for this. If our administration had taken the very bright warning signs seriously we would not be in this situation, and the virus would not be spreading so fast no one can keep up. It kind of hurts that so many of us are literally making huge sacrifices (losing our jobs for who knows how much time, tightening the belts more knots that we had ever thought possible in order to make the most out of an income that won’t be coming in anymore, losing our health insurance because we lost our jobs, homeschooling our kids even though we aren’t trained teachers, working shift after shift treating sick patients without the proper protective equipment, being forced to isolate ourselves from family and loved ones because we are medical professionals and/or sick, serving people food via delivery, facing the virus head on every day without masks in grocery stores, etc etc). We are all making these sacrifices so that we can get through this together, and there are always those selfish assholes who are more interested in what they can gain out of the situation, and/or just really couldn’t care less about anyone except for themselves. Those who reacted too slowly in power, those who hoarded all of the essentials because they had the money and space to, those who are profiting from the pandemic and not giving back, and those of you who are continuing to go out and about without practicing any kind of social distancing: you all have blood on your hands. All I can hope for now is that we can learn that in order for our next generations to live better, safer, healthier, and calmer lives, we need to see this pandemic as the beacon ordering us to change the world as we know it now. We don’t have a choice.

While I have been writing this the number of cases in the US has gone way past 100,000, the numbers in Italy continue to rise, as do those in many other countries. I hope that all my family members and friends all over the world are safe and healthy, and will remain so, and I hope that everyone has something to take their minds off of the anxiety and fear that this is causing. I am writing letters, and having my kids draw pictures for the elderly in senior homes in our neighborhood, growing a garden on my balcony, and making the most of spending time with my children and partner. I feel lucky that our school district is providing free breakfast and lunches for pick up every week day, and that our governor is working hard to make sure that we can weather this awful time together, without losing our homes for the duration. One day soon I hope to be able to hug everyone again, in the meantime I am sending out virtual hugs to all of you, and a punch in the face to those of you who continue to risk our lives every single time you open your mouth and/or set a foot outside.

(I have been listing the positives I can find in order to try to make some sense out of all of this, and because we have kids and I don’t want them to worry. We are able to have dinner together every night, I am learning all about Common Core maths and realizing I was never crap at maths, I just hadn’t been taught in a way that seemed natural to me, I don’t have to be Supermum all the time, and that’s OK, I love gardening and my balcony garden is amazing thanks to Cesar’s building skills and my green thumb, we are able to communicate with our family, friends, and classes in real time, and see each others faces, I have to rest because otherwise I can’t breathe properly… And I am writing and reading, and hoping for the best).