I'm hiding in the bathroom for a few minutes, overwhelmed by a sudden tidal wave of emotions, tears pouring down my face out of nowhere, wondering why I can't stop. I step into a warm, steaming shower, hoping that it will set my mind straight again, but the tub is moving, rocking earthquake-style, and I hear a baby crying over the sound of the water splashing on my skin and the old extractor pulling out the steam. There is no earthquake, no baby crying, no real emotional breakdown. As soon as it passes I feel drained and tired, ready for bed at 2pm, with demanding toddlers asking for lunch and loving other halves asking me where we can walk to to see the fireworks tonight.
This is when it suddenly dawns on me: emotions, and exhaustion, and backache and everything else mean baby is close. Baby will be on the way soon, may be tonight, maybe tomorrow. Will baby be born on July 4th? We always joked about that, with me being due on July 3rd, but I also have a history of late babies, coming closer to 41 or 42 weeks than 40. Wouldn't it be funny for us, immigrants, to have a US citizen child, born on the 4th of July? Cesar, born under independence fireworks, is on the fence about a 4th of July baby, I'm also not sure about it. It's a little funny, a little ironic, a little fun... My musings are most likely for nothing as baby is still comfortably moving around in my womb at 5pm on July 4th with no signs of making an entrance into our home just yet.
Only today have the worries about childbirth started again. I don't know how women say they don't remember the pain, and maybe it's because I had Aurora only 22 months ago that I still remember it so vividly, but I am currently trying to channel my inner Wonder Woman goddess person again, telling myself I only need to make it to transition and then it will be easy and fast. This pregnancy has been so active and easy, I keep thinking the birth will therefore be long and hard and painful. Cesar laughingly told me to "embrace the pain" today so I made him promise to embrace it too. Last time he was lucky enough to be shielded from it all, there is no way I'm letting that happen this time. No more Mrs Nice Lady, we are delivering this one together, just like we did with Luna.
And just as I want to hide away again, put headphones on and block out all the sounds around me and in my head I look over to see my girls dancing, twirling round and round to The Man Who Sold The World, and suddenly I know that all will be OK, because they are OK and we are OK, and whether little one comes on July 4th or July 10th it doesn't matter, because little one will be with us and our family will have grown yet again.