There are so many balls hanging in the air right now, hanging there, suspended in time until they are ready to drop, probably simultaneously just to complicate things. Weeks and weeks ago, just as the nausea finely disappeared, I promised myself that I would appreciate the second trimester as much as possible. And now it has already passed, and I am less than two weeks away from being in that 30 week threshold, with a rapidly growing belly and all of the aches and pains that come with it. I already want to nest, to scrub, to decorate, but don’t know where to start and even where we will be living come July 3rd. And I also keep having this recurring dream of tiny little baby being born at home, with Cesar and my mother and the girls right there, baby coming too fast to get to the hospital on time. If it happens, it happens, I just want to be prepared for the possibility!
Funnily enough, despite feeling the baby move very early, and already having a massive baby bump, I haven’t really had the time to actually really feel pregnant up until now. But it has finally caught up with me, and I have been feeling particularly exhausted this week. It could be due to my iron levels being low, or due to having my Rhogam shot and Tdap booster at the same time at my 28 weeks appointment. Or it could just be that I have two little toddlers who I am still nursing through-out the day and night as well as growing a little human inside of me that is beginning to take its toll. Or at least to tell me to slow down. So slow down I shall. Hours spent cuddling the girls and watching Disney movies together while I make lists of things that I need to do before the baby arrives. Work to do, articles to write, my second book to finish, and still work on selling the first, as, apparently, I’m really not very good at marketing myself! I don’t think I will ever have the confidence of a salesperson. I like being behind the lens instead of in front of it.
A couple of years ago, around the same time of the year I suppose, I wrote about the fears I had of becoming a mother of two. For some reason I don’t have those fears anymore. I’m a lot calmer and a lot more ready to go with the flow, which surprises me. For all of my impulsiveness I do like a bit of structure and stability, and also the ability to prepare fully. I have images of mini cribs and little blankets and tiny baby rompers, rocking chairs and teeny, tiny newborn diapers. I can’t wait to cuddle a little newborn baby again, and do all of those things that you only get a very limited time to do, before they grow into toddlers, then children, then teenagers, then adults… And I’m getting ahead of myself once again!
Luna turned three last Sunday, and Aurora is now 19 months old, and they spend their time divided between playing together and fighting each other. Being a mother to two so close in age sometimes feels like I am the constant referee, making sure one doesn’t kill the other and that both get equal attention and cuddles. All the while feeling these pretty amazing kicks coming from within me, telling me that this one will demand as much attention as the girls do… I can’t wait for them to meet tiny little baby and cover their little face with kisses. This is the first time that I have been blessed with a posterior placenta, and it’s amazing the difference that it makes! I see little feet sticking out and can actually feel the placement of the baby (still mostly breech but likes to move around and around all the time). My belly moves constantly, little alien inside me, and I still spend my quiet times in the evening, once the girls have fallen asleep, lying silently on my back, talking to tiny little baby and laughing at the little kicks and bumps. I will miss that, but I know that it won’t happen again, as much as everyone laughs a little when I say that. It’s now time to concentrate on just raising these little monsters to become good humans, a new generation that will rise above the hatred of today and begin a new, better world together.
So it’s all about slowing down now, but I am still working and I am still compiling the stories and essays and poems for my second book that I would like to finish before the baby comes. It may end up being in two parts, because there is so much material to go through and so much that still needs to be written. It will be different from With Spring Comes Hope, which focused on my journey into motherhood. Yet to named book will be a collection of stories, essays and poems that I have written over the past 20 years, many of which have never been seen by anyone but myself, some of which I have published on my blog, and others that were published anonymously. It will contain a huge part of myself that I finally want to liberate into the world, whether the world is ready for it or not.
I have had to take a little step back from watching the news all of the time, now I catch up every day, but spend more time with the girls and having Cure dance parties together. I am however working on some interesting projects, issues that are very, very close to my heart, and this helps me focus on doing my part to start building the steps that my children will continue to build. I’m so tired of watching us fall into the darkness, and I am going to hold on with my bare hands and try to hold on to as many others as I can. We will build a safety net and then a ladder, and then bridges. We won’t wait around for this planet to self-destruct just because some people think we should.
And so I will continue to juggle, but slowly, and if a ball happens to fall, it will fall softly on the ground, just because I have already prepared the area with soft pillows and quilts. And I will continue to dream of beaches and sunny days, and laughing children, and waves that never stop rolling onto the sand. And in 11 or 12 weeks, or more seeing as I tend to carry children to 41 weeks, we will welcome another little munchkin into our lives and learn to adapt again.
For more information on With Spring Comes Hope, click HERE.